Lalaland

The Designated Office Jaga

2011-12-27T09:55:00.000+08:00

It's two days after Christmas. And I am the designated office Jaga. Everyone is away on their annual holiday. Since I have taken 3 weeks of Raya holiday preparing for Adam's UPSR, I now have to let everyone else enjoy Boxing Day sales around the world while I stay in this lonely office, accompanied by my Milo Nestum.

Feeling a little guilty coz did not bring the kids anywhere during this holiday. Sigh.. Always the guilt trip with the kids.

On the bright side, managed to complete the new school year shopping yesterday. Since we completed the shopping early, we had time to sneak in a karaoke session. This time around there were no rock kapak songs, coz the kids now have their own choices. So it was 3 hours of Bieber, Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Marz and dunno who else.. Managed to sneak in a couple of Abba tracks towards the end though.. :)

2 minutes of fame

2011-06-26T21:34:00.002+08:00

Full day yesterday. I was to do a reading at the promotion of the book "Readings" at Borders, Curve but because my story in the book was 18SX, I had to write another PG-13 story for the reading for "Readings". Just to add to the excitement in my life, I had still not finished the story by the time Saturday came along and Saturday morning was my daughter's sports day. So that morning itself in between getting her ready, I was trying to steal time here and there to scribble down the so-called ending of the story or at least some sort of ending that would work for the reading. Then it was a rush to the door and to somewhere in Damansara area for the sports day - made it just in time for the kids' welcome march/dance thingy with ribbons. Fuihh! Grabbed a seat near the lanes and proceeded to ignore all the other kids' races until my kid was up. Cheered her on as she did the classic balancing ping pong ball on spoon race. Became kiasu parent with camera as she received a medal. Stayed on to watch her best friend race and afterwards more pictures of the girls with their medals in front of the Vico van dispensing cold chocolate drinks (Milo van tak datang pulak tahun ni). Then raced back home where I had about an hour to type out the story before having to leave for Curve.

Got to Borders before 3pm - very unusual for me to be early. Omigod, the set up seemed a bit formal at Starbucks and there were people there already, just waiting to be bored by me -yikess.......freaking out, freaking out. Saw Sharon Bakar but no other writers... aaarrghhhh... must I be the first to read? Sharon saved me, agreeing to do the first reading. My daughter came with me as my one man support team.

"Why are you scared?" she asked.
"Because I'm freaking out that people won't like my story!!" Head in hands, feeling nauseous. Can't bail out now, not least because Sharon will kill me but also can't very well lecture my kid on not being scared to try if I fail to set an example myself. Bloody hell. What have I got myself into?

Sharon read first. Oh my God, forgot how good she is at entertaining people and her story is brilliant. I'm up next. Try to smile. She introduces me. Legs prop me up. My kid pats my arm. I reach for the microphone. Here goes!! Focus on my daughter's face as I start.

Aaaah, sigh of relief. It's over, people clap, am so glad I did it. And am so glad I did it before the other more entertaining authors read! Now can sit back and enjoy the other writer's readings. Some of them are so young! Good for them. I had no clue when I was their age. Someone came to me for my autograph?? what?? why would anyone want that? Bask in my minute of fame. It literally lasted a minute. Back to reality - now kena pergi tesco kat sebelah beli susu anak and ayam...

An eventful day for me.

road trip, interrupted

2011-06-20T13:09:00.002+08:00

last weds, the family headed down south for a 4 day road trip. It was the first time we had gone for a holiday this long since our now 7 month old baby came into our lives and i felt so proud of my very efficient packing (i need to get out more).

suddenly, somewhere in negeri sembilan, the husband started getting painful spasms on his side. i kept telling him to pull over so i could take over the driving but stubborn man that he is, he kept on driving in between yelling out in pain. In Ayeh Keroh, Melaka we drove to Pantai Hospital's emergency unit. For the next 5 hours, they shot him twice with painkillers while they did tests and then finally the CT scan results came out, showing there was a stone between his kidney and bladder, too big to go through his system naturally. He needed to be admitted so I drove like the wind back to KL to his usual hospital, making it there just before his last shot of painkillers wore off. The operation was scheduled early the next morning so that night all 4 of us camped out in his room. The kids were very happy and cheerful, a different sort of adventure from the one originally planned but an adventure all the same. And the important thing was that we were all spending time together, way more time, without any distraction whatsoever. Thank God, his procedure went well and we went home that evening. I unpacked our luggage, sigh, all that efficient packing....next time, then.

Adopting in Malaysia

2010-12-13T04:46:00.002+08:00

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile but taking care of 2 kids full time while also juggling working is kicking my ass. On the plus (or rather minus) side I've lost 3 kilos! Hooray! It might not seem much to other people but it takes me forever to lose just even 1kg.

Anyway anyway anyway, on 2 November 2010, our beloved new baby boy was born. That afternoon, we were told we could go see him at the hospital. I went straight from work and met my spouse there and together we walked to the ward. I went to the bedside of his mother to see how she was and then later the nurse took me & hubby to the room where our baby was placed momentarily. There he was in his bassinet, this perfect round little baby, fast asleep, unaware of everything that had happened and was going to happen. And I felt love and I also felt so very very sad. It was the first day of his life and already he was not going to be with the mother that carried him all these months. I picked him up and held him, so surreal, our son. Then my husband held him. I don't think we even spoke to each other, we were just too awed that this unexpected miracle was in our arms. We had to leave him in the hospital and come back the next day.

Next day, the officer from the Welfare Department (which had an office attached to the hospital) came to meet us at the ward to meet with our son's mother to ask her again if she was sure about her decision to give him up for adoption. The officer took her identity card and passed it to my husband to go and register his birth at the nearest Jabatan Pendaftaran Negara (JPN) office. JPN would also supply the forms and statutory declaration for the adoption. While he went to sort that out, I sat for a bit with our son's mother. I didn't really know what to say. What do you say to someone who is giving you this amazing wonderful gift at the expense of their pain? I asked her many times if she was sure and she said yes. After that we talked about what she was going to do after leaving the hospital and of course, I kept thanking her. Then the nurse told me I had to collect a prescription for her to stop her milk from coming in which was only available at the main hospital building pharmacy so off I went to queue up.

By the time I was done, hubby was back with the birth certificate and the statutory declaration for our son's mother to sign, confirming she was giving him up to us. I called a commissioner for oaths recommended by a friend who had agreed to come to the ward itself. And so she signed it before the commissioner and the nurse said we could bring our son home. I went to see him in his bassinet by the nurses' station. All the other mothers had their babies' bassinets & family members next to their bed but our son's poor mother was all alone. Her family would pick her up later after she was discharged from the hospital. I felt very sad for her. It was a hard lonely lesson to learn at a young age and the thing is, it could have so easily happened to anyone of us. It is so easy to love and to trust and to slip but it is not easy to have the live with it and the decisions made, for the rest of your life. I asked her if I could take a photo of her for the baby later if he asks and she said there was no need. I then asked her if she wanted to give a letter to him or something and she said no. I changed him out of the hospital clothes and as I changed his diaper, I startled a bit because suddenly she was standing next to me watching me change his diaper - and I have never changed a baby boy's diaper before so I was feeling doubly nervous. I asked her if she wanted to hold him and she said no, she didn't want to cry and we both teared up anyway. I picked him up and I told her to kiss him. She kissed him gently on his head and then we both hugged and I said thank you, thank you so very much and I promised I would take care of him and she thanked me for taking him. And then I turned and left the ward with our baby where hubby was waiting for me outside.

The next day, my mum took care of the baby while we went to the hospital again to discharge his mother and pay her hospital bills and take the placenta to bury it later at home. I went up to the maternity ward and she was all packed up, just 2 little bags, sitting on her bed, again all alone. The welfare officer was there to go through the procedures again with me and her. Later, we went down together to the payment counter. While we waited at the counter, I talked with her about her plans to work and study part time and where she had worked before and all that. When the discharge papers were sorted, we drove her to the designated place where her parents would pick her up. As per the usual custom, on top of settling the mother's medical bills, you are also supposed to give some saguhati to help out with her health and wellbeing. We hugged again for the last time and I thanked her again. And then we said goodbye.

As we drove away, my husband and I were quiet.

In the afternoon we went to the Welfare Department in KL to notify them of the adoption - the Welfare Department had their own set of forms to be filled in. Bureaucracy-wise, the adoption process is a bit confusing as some of the procedures seem to overlap and not all of it is easily found in written form. In brief, the chronology of events were:

-we met the pregnant woman, who had earlier already been interviewed by the Welfare Dept officer
-we ourselves were then interviewed by the Welfare officer regarding our backgrounds, our family, income, occupation
-on the day of the birth, the welfare officer would meet with the birth mother again to confirm her decision
-the birth is then registered at JPN and the birth mother signs a statutory declaration before a commissioner for oaths confirming she is giving her baby to the care of the adoptive parents. Here, the first confusion occurred. During our first interview with the welfare officer, she distinctly said we had to notify the welfare department nearest to our residence of the adoption but JPN informed that was not necessa unless the baby was a non-Malaysian citizen. I then asked the welfare officer again who insisted JPN was wrong.
-So off we went to the Welfare Department HQ in Jalan Raja Laut. Turns out they were just the HQ and not operations.
So we had to go to the Welfare Department in Jalan Pahang. And there we were kept waiting a long time. Finally, one officer came with forms and yet another declaration for the birth mother to sign. And we said we already got her to sign the JPN declaration, don't tell me we've got to go and get her to sign yet another one which says the same thing except that it was on the welfare deparment's form and the officer kept saying it was their procedure, it was their procedure again and again so in the end we just took their forms home and the next day I sent it by despatch with a copy of JPN's declaration instead.
-So now, we care for our baby for 2 years before submitting the application to JPN for the adoption certificate.

Baby about to wake up now. Post more soon.

This Fragile Life

2010-11-03T15:11:00.086+08:00

Today, a friend is battling for his life. This friend is my mentor, my teacher, my guidance. Yesterday he was smiling and laughing his boisterous booming laugh and making his stupid, often crass, jokes. Today he is hooked up to countless tubes and wires, with morphine pumped into him to spare him the pain, his body mangled, broken and bruised beyond recognition. Such is this fragile life.

His 3 girls sit crying for their papa, his wife sobbing for her mate that has been her source of strength for as long as she can remember.

Never have I thought would I be so affected by his tragedy; I haven't, after all, seen or spoken to him in many many months. But to hear of this man that is so full of energy and so full of zest for life now lying helplessly while they try to save him, is more than I can handle. Even if he makes it, doctors are saying that part of his brain is damaged. Even he survives, one eye would not be able to see. How much more the damage would affect him, no one knows just yet. We are just hoping, praying. We all just want him to get up and give his silly grin of his.

My only regret is that I never got around to telling him how much he means to me. I took for granted that he would be around forever, so I put off telling him time and time again. As I sit in this ICU chair, I craft in my head the words that I would say to him when he gets up. I vow to let him know that he has made a huge difference in my life. I swear that I will thank him for all that he has taught me. Never again will I put if off.

5th Nov 2010:

On the dawn of Friday, Haji Abd Malek Aziz passed away after 2 days battling with his injuries. I never got to tell him what I wanted to tell him.

waiting

2010-11-02T13:51:00.002+08:00

the baby is due today via c-section. am waiting for the hospital's matron to call me. I've called already but no reply yet.....aaaarrghhhh....waiting is the horrible part. I thought I had managed to lie myself into not hoping too much, don't get too excited...but today, D-day is here and i'm starting to freak out a bit...what if she changes her mind???????? I'm in the office, believe it or not, just finally managed to finish up work and set out the to do list, only just beginning to learn how to delegate. ohmyGod-ohmyGod-ohmyGod, is the baby here yet or not? ok, think i better go down and eat something while i still have some sanity left.

walaumacamanapun, kita minum dulu!

Tengah malam blabberings

2010-10-29T01:58:00.002+08:00

The kid had a fever since yesterday, which thankfully receded this afternoon. Now she's asleep, I've been trying to catch up on work so that tomorrow morning I won't be too far behind. Yup, sometimes I do act like a responsible grown-up. Though it's usually motivated by the fact that I'm going to be so screwed if I don't finish the work on time, really really screwed, not just i-think-my-client-might-be-pissed-at-me screwed but more i-might-be-sued screwed.

So tomorrow and possibly next Monday I will need to finish up & send out as much work as possible because next Tuesday I may or may not have a new baby.

Seeing it in print is starting to bring up all the freaking out feelings to the surface which I've been trying to surpress since the past few weeks. Need to focus on these last 2 working days and try to keep in mind that next Tuesday, it might not happen. I may not be going home with a baby. Or it might actually happen and there'll be a new addition to our family...I don't think I was this nervous when I was actually pregnant with my daughter. Funny how that is. Because this time, I'm not pregnant. I'm adopting, God-willing. I've met the mother of the child and she's told me she wants to give the baby up for adoption when she delivers next Tuesday and I did say to her to be very very sure before you do. The procedures are already in motion but she can still change her mind and I would fully understand. I'm trying to be very calm about this and I hope to remain so for as long as possible. I want to keep referring to her as the mother rather than saying "birth mother" though both are true, I don't know why but somehow saying birth mother sometimes feels to me to almost diminish her role as just the baby oven. I'm trying to be and I hope I can be as honest as possible with the situation. One of my good friends adopted and how she explains it to her young son is that he has her as his mommy and he also has his Ibu who carried him and they both love him very much which I think is a good starting point. I'm also planning, if she consents, to take a photo of her and placing it in the album for the baby's pictures so in future when he looks at his baby photos, i can point out his mother to him. I don't know if that's being honest or foolish or if i'll be strong enough in future to be as honest as i now plan to be. Of course, there is always the risk and fear, even now when the baby isn't even born yet and I've already begun to think of him, that she might want the baby back after she's given him to us. And I have to remember to stop and take a deep breath and leave it all up to God and repeat to myself that even children we give birth to might be taken away from us and not to focus on that possibility but to concentrate instead on being a better parent and loving them for whatever time is given to us with them. Whoa, that sounded way too adult for me. But I'm trying to remember to do that. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. Somehow, maybe it's because they're such an unexpected and self-sacrificing gift from another person, it seems easier to remember with an adopted child that they are being entrusted to you, given in trust into your care when the same also applies to children who are born to us. I need to remember that next time I feel like losing my temper with my daughter.

Ben 10 on 10.10.10

2010-10-11T12:28:00.000+08:00

Since it was 10.10.10 yesterday, the powers that be in Astro decided to milk it dry and showed a Ben 10 marathon. Started at 5 a.m., ended at 12 midnight. Bad news, Ben 10 the entire day. Good news, my kids let me off for the day, yeay!

So for the 1st time in donkey years, hubby and I got to go out on a "real" outing just the 2 of us (read: not an outing to Carrefour to buy ikan). We ended up having Japanese lunch and a chick-flick movie about someone's sperm getting switched. We got to sit in the couple's seat, where all the other hormonally crazed teenagers were sitting (I am sure the girl on my left was giving her boyfriend a hand job.. ewww!). So it was supposed to be a fun day out for us right? Errrr..

What is it about being parents that makes it compulsory for us to feel guilty when we are trying to have fun without the kids? I should've enjoyed being able to eat all those sushis without tiny fingers trying to steal away my Ebiko.. I should've savoured the freedom of sitting down without having to get up every 5 minutes to attend to endless requests for various types of drinks.. But nooooo.. all the time I was thinking, hmm, Sarah would've liked this. This is Danish's favourite. Adam would have loved these broccoli.. Sigh..

The movie was a no-brainer, but between the couples making out left right and front; and me thinking about the kids ("kesiannye diorang makan nasik dgn kari ayam aje kat rumah..").. I lost track of the plot a few times (altho there were not much plot to follow in the first place..).

Sigh, perhaps when they are all in their 20s and all gone to college, perhaps I could have a peaceful and guilt-free outing with the hubby.. perhaps..

Room-Emma Donoghue

2010-09-30T23:53:00.005+08:00

Just finished reading "Room" by Emma Donoghue ( I hope I spelled her name right, I've since lent to the book to a friend and my connection is too slow for me to Google now). Parts of it had my heart racing madly and other parts made me bawl out shamelessly. Room is about a mother and her 5 year old son trapped in a small room for years and how they spend their days and what happens after, but the story is told from the perspective of the 5 year old boy which makes the book extra haunting to me. At some parts I almost couldn't continue reading because it was too painful as a parent myself to even imagine it but I couldn't stop reading either.

My mum-in-law who I dearly love and sometimes roll my eyes at too at the same time, once commented as she looked at my overflowing bookshelves, that she felt reading fiction was a waste of time, "lagi bagus baca buku-buku agama" she said.

Duly noted, but somehow after finishing "Room", I immediately felt so grateful for everything that I had, I may not have much monetarily but I have so much more than the mother in Room yet I am not as resourceful in activities with my child as she is with whatever little they save up in Room, including eggshells and other things I throw away without a moment's thought and with whatever little space they had.

And sadly, there are not many buku agama out there that can inspire the same feeling of gratefulness, they preach me to feel grateful and make me feel guilty for not being more grateful but they don't make me actually feel grateful. One of the parts in Room that shot straight through my heart was the little boy saying he was actually grateful to be in that small room with his mother and when she asked why, he said it could be worse that they could both be imprisoned in their own separate rooms. It's funny how a supposed fictional novel with no mention of religion could inspire me religiously to be a better person, to do more with what I have, to be a better mother.

Adrian Mole-Prostate Years

2010-09-24T03:08:00.002+08:00

Literally squealed in delight when I saw Adrian Mole - The Prostate Years on the shelves in Times Bookstore. Bought it and read it in one sitting. Contradictarily, although the main character is annoying and pathetic, I love Sue Townsend's writing. The only writer who can make me laugh out loud when reading rather than just chuckle to myself on the inside. But what was in Bert Baxter's box???

Side effects of Dora/Diego

2010-09-24T03:03:00.002+08:00

Yesterday afternoon after watching Dora the Explorer and her cousin Diego on DVD, Amani turned to me and said in a serious voice, "Call me Alisa, Mother". What????? She's like 4 going on 24.

Side effect of P.Ramlee

2010-09-24T02:50:00.003+08:00

During the recent Raya season, apart from a lot of cerita2 hantu (why ah?) on TV, there were also many P.Ramlee movies on, including the Bujang Lapok series. I watched them with Amani to show her another side of life that was not Disney-inspired. Her first question as we watched the black and white movies was where was the colour? But after that, she got into the stories and the jokes, laughing especially during Seniman Bujang Lapuk scenes "Tapi lubang hidungmu tetap menjadi pojaan hatiku"...I didn't realise though how much she had really absorbed. Granted, we were watching comedies but the language can be a bit strong at times, "Bodoh!" "Bahlol" which is somehow more satisfyingly descriptive and insulting than the standard F-word.

So it shouldn't have been a surprise when on Raya ke-4 after we checked in at a hotel in Melaka, my little 4 year old Disney princess happily greeted the bell boy in a cheerful and innocent voice, "Hello Setan!"

I have never felt so horrified and embarassed and hillarious all at the same time. There was also a lot of explaining about what setan / devil actually was and about how they looked like and where they stayed, which I was totally unprepared for during what was supposed to be an easygoing overnight holiday. Yippee motherhood! It just keeps getting better and better.

zebra ku lari/terbang gagah berani

2010-07-21T15:41:00.010+08:00

Two weekends ago pergi main layang2 kat Taman Layang-layang somewhere in Kepong ke mana. We went from my mother in law's place in Gombak together with my brother in law and sister in law and Amani's cousin, Insyirah.

Seperti biasa mak bapak yang lebih excited nak main kite tu. The best part about this taman is that it's so much easier to fly a kite there as it's windy most of the time. Last month when we were in Terengganu, Amani and I had gotten kites, mickey mouse for her and a zebra for me (yet another example of mak yang over excited) but other than flying it on the beach when we were there, we haven't been able to fly the kites since. So when Yannie aka Makchu mentioned they were going to fly kites, we quickly menumpang tanpa segan silu.

Amani dan layang-layangnya

Mak Amani dan layang-layangnya.

Eksyen & over sangat,
last-last kite zebra ku yang
layang melayang tinggi dgn megah,
akhirnya kena pau dengan taiko danau kota sambil hisap rokok biskut bersalut coklat dgn selamba.......

Thursday ramblings

2010-07-15T14:56:00.003+08:00

I have an agreement I have to send in by today so of course I start doing all sorts of other things including this blog post until there's nothing else left to do but to start on the damn thing... so anyway, last Friday during a BV II Delicious lunch with Eza, she mentioned Central Market, somewhere I haven't been probably in almost a decade. Before there was KLCC or One Utama or heck, even Sogo, there had been Central Market where we used to meet up with friends or boyfriends. CM was conveniently located next to Bus Stand Klang and every one I knew used to travel by Bas Mini or Bas Srijaya. I would take the No 21 bus from Taman Tun and Nazri, my now-husband-then-boyfriend would take the No. 16 or 14 from Gombak and we'd all meet up with friends at CM. I can't remember what it was we did at CM which took almost the whole day, sometimes we'd eat upstairs, walk around, buy asam timbang, watch the artists painting with oil paints or crayons. When I started working at my second job at Leboh Ampang, I'd still walk to CM from time to time to go to the 2nd hand book store there which stocked backdated magazines, old Mills & Boons, the Adventurer series of books that I loved reading during my childhood where you had to skip from different pages throughout the book depending on the option you chose at the end of each page and my favourite, old Agatha Christie books.

So on Tuesday, as I was driving in KL, I saw I was heading towards CM and decided it would be a good day to revisit an old haunt. Wow, CM is all cleaned up and sparkly now. Some corners looked familiar, some were totally new but what made my day was that my favourite 2nd hand bookshop is still there! Even the uncles manning it look the same albeit older.
And what next made my day was finding there Kazuo Ishiguro's first novel "A Pale View of Hills" which I read for the first time and continued reading this morning until I was late for work. As I reached the ending I thought "No way!! Did she just say "we"??" and now after work I have to read it all over again to see the story for what it really is. I love books that linger on in my head even after I've finished reading it.

My favourite girl in my favourite 2nd hand book store

i heart jason mraz

2010-06-07T12:14:00.003+08:00

On friday, i caved and got my kid "The Best of Elmo" dvd. As soon as we got home, she put it on and I braced myself for the next hour of over-happy red furriness. When suddenly - so pleasantly suddenly - Jason Mraz appeared on the screen!!! Singing a revised version of "I'm Yours" tailored for kiddies where instead of the chorus "I'm yours", he sang "Let's plaaaay outsiiiide". Oh Jason Mraz, just when I thought I couldn't love you more, you go ahead and do this and make me want to stalk you and have your babies....on a less crazy side note, after Jason Mraz sang, Destiny's Child came on and sang "Walk, walk" which was really good and sing-along-able. Wow, who knew Elmo could be so entertaining for adults as well.

The Help

2010-05-31T16:46:00.002+08:00

Last week, finished reading "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I have not been so moved and touched by a book in a long while and started tearing up when I reached the last chapter as the author revealed that she was motivated to write the book in honour of her grandmother's help. Even though it's been a week, I still can't stop thinking about the stories of the women in it. Just amazing.

I wonder whether we'll be seeing a local version of it in years to come, but somehow "The Bibik" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Mengada monday blues

2010-04-26T11:00:00.002+08:00

monday blues...bllergh...even kerja sendiri pun boleh monday blues, mengada betul. Though having said that, it's 1030am and i just got in the office so it's not all bad. Errand bill paying chores to do today, didn't i just pay the photocopier guy? now dah ada another invoice. The joys of self employment. Tax season coming soon too and accountants haven't given us our 2009 accounts back yet.

Saturday, didn't feel like doing an arts & craft project so diverted Amani with a mini cooking project pulak, bought pita bread, mini mozarella - so cute, 20 little milky white balls in a packet...okay that sounded a bit dirty...ANYWAY, also got basil and tomatoes. Back in the kitchen, Amani stood on a chair at the kitchen counter and dribbled olive oil over the pita bread while i sliced the tomatoes. Then she arranged the tomatoes on the bread and squished the mozarella balls in between and on top of the tomatoes, then we both tore some basil leaves over everything. 20 minutes in the oven and voila, mini pizzas! A productive Saturday morning, a project with Amani and brunch at the same time. Very efficient, which is unusual for me.

In 2010 I Am Thankful

2010-02-22T23:21:00.002+08:00

It’s only February, but there are already so much that I am thankful for in 2010:

~~~~~

I am thankful I had a bad case of denggi until my blood count was down to 23, I was so weak I could hardly walk let alone eat or talk, was in hospital for a full week totally miserable totally sick

and that I was the one who got it

and not my husband or babies instead.

~~~~~

I am thankful I was so weak that I could hardly eat until even the thought of food made me vomit

and that there was a kind soul who even though it was already night went out of her way to bring me home-made remedies that brought back my appetite.

~~~~~

I am thankful a thief broke into my house one evening, took lots of cash and my favourite pair of diamond earrings

and that my family was not hurt.

~~~~~

I am thankful after hardly a month passed by, another attempt was made by the same guy,

and that this time he failed because we took extra precautions,

and that hubby managed to catch him with the help of good Samaritans.

~~~~~

I am thankful Mother was in hospital thrice between January to February, with denggi as well as other god-knows-what malady,

and that the last operation has lessen her pain

and she can finally smile again.

~~~~~

I am thankful Father was at home also down with a bad case of fever, presumably denggi just like Mother

and that they still have each other.

~~~~~

I am thankful when I was in hospital with denggi fever, who else would fall ill but also my helper,

and that in between work and hospital visits, hubby was the best superhero managing the food, clothes and everything else for the kids.

~~~~~

I am thankful I totally ignored my most important customer while I was bedridden,

and that I had great colleagues who covered for me without hesitation.

~~~~~

I am thankful the break-in and the hospital visits have stretched our budget to the limit,

and that I have my family who are always willing to lend a hand.

~~~~~

I am thankful throughout January and February almost everyone in my family had some kind of fever or another,

and that my Sarah did not,

and the one that struck my boys and my heavily pregnant kid sister was not denggi but just a one-day-unknown-virus fever.

~~~~~

I am thankful my kid sister gave us a huge fright when she had to have an emergency c-section because her baby’s heartbeats were too slight,

and that she is faring so much better than I did when I had mine,

and that my littlest niece has a smile like the sunshine.

~~~~~

But most of all, I am thankful I am stressed out and depressed because of all the bad things happening,

and that hubby always holds me and makes me feel safer,

that my kids give me smiles that makes everything a whole lot better.

~~~~~

I am surrounded by a loving family and supportive friends.

And those are what I am thankful for in 2010…

Another Hallmark moment - one small step for man/woman

2010-01-24T01:57:00.003+08:00

Last Thursday, our clerk at the office, Rose, was finally reunited with her mother after 20 years of being apart. And all it took, with the grace of God, was the deceivingly small but extra efforts of a handful of people, some of whom Rose had never met before in her life. It was an almost unbelievable story, an urban legend, a Hallmark feel good movie with all the cliches of a Malay melancholy drama and all true.

Rose was not yet 2 years old when her parents split and her paternal grandmother forcibly took her away from her young timid helpless mother and raised her, feeding her untrue stories of how "heroically" her grandmother had saved her from the very bad person who was her mother. The years passed and it was not an easy life for Rose, her unemployed loserville of a father, the doted mama's boy who was the apple of his mother's eye scrounging off his daughter who had to earn her own and his living as soon as she finished school. It was only after awhile that Rose shared with us her story of not knowing where her mother was, she is a tough proud girl who didn't want anyone's pity.

We tried to search for her mother, using the old identity card particulars in Rose's birth certificate, but the last known address at the JPN registry was incomplete but we drove around with her around Taman Sri Rampai area anyway, trying to look for it in case we got lucky. We did a bankruptcy search at the official assignee's office but no results. We didn't know any banker well enough who was willing to do a CCRIS search for us. The months passed. The only other option was to appoint a private investigator but that would be costly with no guarantees of success. And here is where the miracle began.

While covering for my colleague, Sabs, who had gone on umrah [side story but important point here - Sabs had asked us at the office what we wanted her to pray for while she was on umrah. Being the shallow person that I am, I asked her to pray for me to be rich. Rose had asked Sabs to pray for her to find her mother] I thought of doing a CTOS search on her mother, but since CTOS doesn't entertain adhoc request searches other than by an accountholder, I called my old boss, whose firm has a CTOS account. She in turn instructed her company secretary J, to do the search. Since we only had the old identity card number and not the new one, J asked another staff member V for help to get the new IC number. J then asked another colleague, AK to do an informal CTOS search. Through the initial search, AK found that Rose's mum had been a guarantor to an errant borrower. He found contact details of the said borrower and tried to find out from him further details on his guarantor. AK managed to get some facts but still a dead end. Then AK did one step further, he contacted his buddies at EPF and the tax department. Death and taxes. I hadn't even thought of the tax department. Disco. His tax department buddy found Rose's mum, right down to her latest details, current workplace, direct line, etc. You want it, the tax department had it. AK told my old boss, my old boss called me. I called Rose. That evening Rose met her mother for the first time in 20 years. Tears, wonder, disbelief at the possibility of having your heart's desire coming true.

Throughout all this, all players in this search could have easily just said, this is not my problem, this is not my job scope or did the barest minimal, busy with their own tasks and duties. J could have just reported to my old boss that it was impossible to do the search without the new IC number. AK could have just done the CTOS search and stopped there. On a smaller, least important scale, I could have just listened to Rose's sad story, hugged her and not get involved otherwise.

But I guess the lesson of this miraculous reunion between Rose and her mother is, sometimes, you don't need to do grand gestures, sometimes you just have to care only a little bit more, do just a small extra bit above what you're obliged to do and the impact could be momentous to one person. Just one person. Sometimes, that's all you need to affect.

God, that sounds like a political manifesto. First dibs and full copyrights on that sound bite!

A good day. I felt like superwoman and all I did was just dial a number.

Birds of the same feather

2010-01-24T01:36:00.004+08:00

I don't know if it's coincidence or selective perception but it sometimes seems that when you're going through something or longing for something, you keep bumping into people who are either in the same boat or have what you long for in spades.

When I was struggling to get pregnant, I kept bumping into a seemingly endless conveyor belt of pregnant friends and now as I am going through some, hmm, how can I put this delicately, non-self imposed "drought", I keep meeting old friends who surprisingly are having the same "drought" issues with their spouses. Last Friday I had a very enjoyable lunch with an old colleague who I used to work with but had lost touch for about 7 years when we both left the said firm and after exchanging stories about what had happened to us since then, we somehow found ourselves talking about relationships, first in general, and then gradually to our own and here is the thing I enjoy most about being in your 30s - you don't give a crap anymore and can be totally, embarassingly, -no-holds-barred-even-too-much-information-on-bodily-functions honest and wholly candid especially when talking with an old friend. And so our original lunch hour reunion turned longer and longer as for the first time I believe, we really talked with one another, deeply and honestly, about what's up or rather not up, in our lives. And it was so relieving and comforting to really let it all out and share with someone who knew exactly what I am going through. We didn't solve anything, we didn't resolve anything, but it felt good. Really good. And as I am beginning to learn as I head towards the inevitable path to 40, life is not about the destination (goodbye "I shall be a millionaire by the time I turned 30" which never happened) but about good moments with good friends and loved ones along the way. And you can't get more Hallmark than that.

The Grouch's List

2009-12-21T10:12:00.013+08:00

I'm making a list of all the things that I hate about people. And since I am such an anti-social, my list will keep on getting longer..

To start off, these were the people I met over the weekend. People like these just increase my blood pressure. Sometimes I wonder whether it's just me that's bothered, coz they dont seem to get it when i give them a not-too-subtle glare, instead they give me a what-the-hell-are-you-looking-at glare back.

Well, here goes.

1. STUPID SNIFFERS
Can you believe these kind? There was these couple sitting in the booth opposite me at the Subang Parade Sushi King. They actually took the plates off the conveyor belt, put it on their table, open the lid, had a long conversation over the exposed sushi, no doubt spraying their DNA all over the food. Then they decided they did not want the sushi, and actually put it back on the conveyor!!! That was not the end of my trauma. They then spied something that they thought they wanted, took it off the belt, lifted the lid, and actually sniffed the thing, then put it back!!!! Eeewwwwww.... BOTH of them sniffed it! They actually put the food near their noses and expect it to be okay for others to consume the food after they did that!! And the girl had nostrils the size of Gua Niah!! Ewwwww.. Where do these people come from???

2. IDIOT MOVIEGOERS
Okay, everyone can see that several years have passed and the princess has grown up. But everyone else in the cinema should not be subjected to this idiot's comments of "Dah besar dah dia...". And questions like, "Eh? Apa jadi? Kenapa jadi mcm tu?" I dont really mind kids making noise in movies, coz kids dont know better, but it's those adults who insists on giving a play-by-play commentary on what is happening on screen really ticks me off. Hubby nearly got into a fist fight with these kind of idiots several months back. And yesterday I encountered these type of idiots again when watching Princess and The Frog at Sunway Pyramid. I could have thrown my pop-corn at them when the wife was saying "Haa.. Lepas ni dia pulak jadi katak".. God!!! Bodoh nak mampus orang orang mcm ni!! These kind of idiots should just buy the pirated DVDs and watch it at home and comment to their hearts' content. Where do these people come from???

3. CARBON DIOXIDE SHARERS
I am already paying so much for them to remove a tiny bit of hair from a small miniscule area. At the rate I was paying it probably came up to about RM1 per hair. So is it too much to ask from the girl who was waxing my eyebrows not too breathe on my face? Or at least wear a mask? I really dont fancy having to breathe someone else's carbon dioxide when their faces are too close to mine, unless they happen to be Brad Pitt. But otherwise, please wear face masks, or try to do whatever you're supposed to do without having your nose inches away from mine. And please for god sakes invest in some Listerine. Yes, that applies to all eyebrow waxers, hair salon workers, makeup people, doctors, dentists.

Okay, so that's my list for this Monday morning. I met these type of people in the course of only a weekend. So am I a grouch or not? Bah!

If I Had A Wish, I'd Wish For Whoever Who Designed The School Syllabus To Die A Slow Painful Death

2009-11-18T18:12:00.000+08:00

No.. no.. not because of the heavy bags that the kids have to carry everyday, I am pass worrying about that already.

And not because of those ridiculous ways they differentiate one subject into multiple subjects (Pemahaman, Penulisan, Bacaan etc etc etc) until the kids have to carry so many books for one subject.. I am over that already..

No .. no.. my bone today is for that person, who must have a grudge against all parents in Malaysia (or at least us parents who cant afford those expensive private schools and have to settle for the public ones)..

Who? Him.. Him who God knows why, decided that all Standard 4 kids must learn how to play the recorder. Doesnt he know how shrill that thing sounds? And doesnt he know that 10 year olds are more likely to hit the wrong shrill note than the right one?? And doesnt he know that we, the already spending-too-much-time-at-work-and-guilt-laden parents cant tell the kid that his attempts at the recorder is one notch higher than a screaming banshee. If he knew that just one more time of the off tune Mary Had A Little Lamb could make an already frazzled mother think of strangling the school authorities, would he even consider including the recorder into the syllabus?

Maybe he did knew, and he was just a bitter idiot.

To that person, I wish that you would rot in hell full of recorders and off tune Mary Had A Little Lamb for all eternity..

Friday night ramblings

2009-11-14T04:04:00.001+08:00

I'm obsessed with watching the Duggars, it's just fascinating watching people live out a different kind of life. Tonight was an episode of the whole family visiting and digging out at a public open diamond mine and at the end of the show Jim Bob hugged his wife Michelle and said "25 years ago I found my diamond" as they gazed adoringly into each other's eyes and I thought, 'No wonder Jim Bob keeps getting laid'. That's one smooth Daddy-O.

Garden ramblings

2009-07-22T11:03:00.003+08:00

When we first moved from an apartment to a house at the beginning of the century, I started getting into gardening big time. In a way it distracted me from the fact that I still could not get pregnant despite years of trying. I had never had a garden before and it was quite a novelty to see plants flourish because of or in spite of my so-called nurturing. Various plants and flowers grew in my garden, sunflowers, peas with its beautiful deep indigo flowers, bushes of fragrant jasmine, i even tried growing aubergines at one point. Then I went through a roses phase - so many types of roses, deep red blooms, huge pink ones, tiny baby pink roses, beautiful yellow roses. When they bloomed, I sometimes clipped a few to give the little girl, Mira, who lived next door.

A large part of why I loved gardening had to do to with my faithful gardening buddy, Munchy, who used to accompany me there all the time, paws perched on top of the pot plants I was weeding, shaking said paws furiously when some fresh soil got stuck between his nails, nestling up against me from time to time to let me know he was there. He always kept me company in the garden and loved to chase and jump for butterflies and grasshoppers.

When I happily conceived, I still spent a lot of time sitting out in the garden, stroking Munchy as he sat in my lap, even as my belly grew and there was hardly any space for him to sit.

Then on December 19 2005 Munchy suddenly dissapeared. I had seen him jumping around the lawn in the morning but he didn't return in the evening nor later that night though I stayed up for him, calling out his name. I didn't sleep well that night, I kept dreaming that he had come home and woke up several times convinced that he had. The next day, my husband walked up and down our streets and the neighbouring streets calling out for him, to no avail. The following day I walked around the entire residential area with my 8 month belly, calling out his name. I asked the neighbourhood kids if they had seen him. I called the local vet who used to treat him to check if anyone may have brought Munchy in and burst into tears while I was on the phone. "Please call me Dr Chong," I begged him, "if anyone brings in a white cat, any cat and I'll come to check if it's Munchy." I remember the doctor speaking to me very kindly, he knew I was pregnant from the last time I saw him and I think he was trying to prepare me for the worst.

And of course, that was what happened,the inevitable worst. My beloved Munchy, my sweet boy, my faithful gardening buddy was found just 5 doors down our street, in the deep drain in front of one of our neighbour's driveway. I was at work but my husband was home and told me that Munchy was dead. His mouth had some foam around it and we suspect he may have been poisoned after chewing off some grass which had been sprayed with pesticide. His body had sadly deteriorated after how many days in that drain but I was adamant that he be buried. I hated my job with a vengeance at that point, I so desperately wanted to leave but couldn't, I wanted to be with my Munchy even if his body was already bloated. In the end, my husband got an Indonesian worker to lift Munchy's body out of the drain. I wanted Munchy to be buried in our garden, in the garden where we had spent so many happy hours together, where I could bring my child later to see his grave and point out to her the best cat in the world who had lighted up my life and brought me so much joy. But alas, the Indonesian worker was afraid that his boss might catch sight of him working in our garden when he should have been at his worksite so instead, he and my husband took Munchy way across the main road down to some tree'd area and buried Munchy deep amongst the bushes. To this day I regret that I did not insist for Munchy to be buried in our garden. I regret not thinking of offering that Indonesian worker any amount of money to bury Munchy in our garden. I regret not leaving the office immediately regardless of whether I would get fired to come and see Munchy one last time and bury him myself in the garden if needs be.

He was my buddy, my sweetest boy, my best friend and I still don't know where he's buried.

I let the garden die after that. I didn't care anymore now that my gardening buddy was gone. The roses died first, wilted and dried up. The peas went next. I no longer cared.

The years passed and the weeds blossomed. The jasmine and melati surprisingly survived despite lack of any care whatsoever.

Last Friday, I dug out a small watering can I had forgotten about. My 3 year old daughter followed me to the garden. She watched as I finally watered the melati plant after years of neglect. And then she insisted on watering the jasmine and some other potted plants that had miraculously survived. I watched her as she pottered around the plants. My new gardening buddy. I'm thinking of getting her a little bench so that she can sit under the melati tree with its white blooms falling around her. But I'll always remember the first one who used to share the garden with me. How I wish he was buried here. I would never then think of moving.

hectic week

2009-05-08T00:41:00.002+08:00

The long Labour Day weekend passed by so quickly, tak terasa pun cuti lama.

1 May 2009 - met up with sis in law Yanie at Petaling Street to look for things for our new syok sendiri business. Macam jakun driving in that part of the world again. That used to be THE hang out place masa zaman before KLCC and Sogo baru nak naik...damn, i'm old. Central Market, Kota Raya, tempat2 rendevous for outing with friends or for dates. I used to take the bus everywhere and especially around that area, Bus Stand Klang or sebelah CM back when bas mini still ruled the streets of KL..deja vu.

2 May 2009 - was in Bangi the whole day dengan panasnya and humidity and having to wear proper baju kurung - nephew's wedding and we were part of the wedding party to sambut orang (ok, that was the theory lah, i ended up melepek most of the time in the air conditioned VIP room until it was time for Amani to be the flower girl). Sitting around doing nothing turned out to be quite exhausting, fell asleep almost immediately when we got back home.

3 May 2009 - overslept...la..macam aku pulak yang kawin yesterday, penat sangat ke? I blame it on the heat.

6pm - Shocking news. My beloved aunt passed away suddenly of a heart attack. Rushed to Kuala Kubu. Cannot believe she's gone. Such a strong woman. Life dealt her so many blows: she buried 2 children, cared for her invalid husband, cared for her now sole surviving child who got hit by a lorry and yet she always remained cheerful. Her house is the house I feel most welcome and at home in especially during raya. I cannot believe I won't be seeing her again.

4 May 2009 - Went to Kuala Kubu again to be with my cousin who is still in a state of shock at losing her mother, her best friend so suddenly. Words are useless so I just hung around in the kitchen with her and helped her make chicken soup for her father. When I had to leave, my late aunt's 4 year old grandaughter was showing my 3 year old daughter photos of her late grandmother. I looked up at my cousin and saw she was about to cry again. I cannot imagine what it must be like for her to wake up in the morning now and having to realise again and again that her beloved mother is gone.

5 May 2009 - Drove to work in the morning. Car in front suddenly braked. I pressed my brake pad like mad, felt like my foot was going to burst through the car floor, managed to stop in time when there was a loud BANG! What the hell? Turned out the car behind me had crashed into me. Thank God I drive a car with a sturdy boot. Thank God my daughter rides in a car seat. Thank God he hit mainly the right side of the back of my car and not my daughter's side. Felt shaky, drove like a grandma afterwards to the police station at Jalan Bandar to do the tedious reports etc - saw as I passed by Petaling Street that one of the shops that Yanie and I had wanted to go to on 1 May but which had been closed on that day was now open. Glanced at my husband who was sweating with me at the police station and thought I might be pressing my luck if I suggested we do a little shopping spree instead of getting the whole police report car fixing sorted out quickly.

6 May 2009 - Avalance of overdue work waiting for me at the office. Woopee! Stack of bills to sort out, receipts and accounts to tidy up. Suddenly realised that income tax advance installment was due at the end of this month. Ah, the joys of self employment. Wanted to bury head in sand but couldn't, too many urgent things to be done. Went down and had nasi lemak first and felt much better equipped to handle and sieve through gazillion emails. Ok lying, not even a hundred emails but really did not want to start work but since am own boss, told myself to get on with it. Damn, my boss is a bitch.

Early morning blabberings

2009-04-15T01:42:00.002+08:00

I sprained my finger last week putting on my corset. Yup, there is not a more makcik and mid-life crisis sounding sentence than one ending with the word 'corset'. So now my left middle finger is swollen, went to see a doctor who told me I needed to see a specialist. Specialist said I needed to do an MRI this Saturday. Sigh. Fun times. Thank you PNB aka my husband's employer for paying my medical bills.

Though one good thing about it was that it got me out of attending a family funeral last Saturday - it was my father in law's elder brother's daughter's husband who in the 9 years of my marriage I don't believe I even met him seeing as he was always at his second wife's house. ANYWAY, dutiful sons that they were, moi hubby and his brother had to take my parents in law to Ipoh for the funeral. After he left, I immediately called up my sister in law, Yanie who had also stayed behind and we later met up at her parents' house before going to Jaya Jusco Setiawangsa.

Here's another makcik sounding sentence for you "Seronok giler pergi Jaya Jusco Setiawangsa" that day! Yanie's little brother came along so together with our 2 girls, we all had a blast at the kiddie play area, throwing plastic balls at each other, watching the kids jump up and down on the trampoline, laughing our asses off as my sweet 11 month old niece went down the slide and ended up with her cute pudgy legs up in the air. Jaya Jusco, you rock! I think we were there for a good 4 hours, though it certainly didn't feel like it. Good times...

Birthday picnic

2009-03-03T11:25:00.007+08:00

My parents & I moved to Taman Tun when I was 12 way before One Utama came and Jaya Jusco was just a small little shoplot in the middle of all the shophouses. Back then we could cycle everywhere, there were no highways with speeding cars, and my friends and I used to cycle near Jalan Aminudin Baki area, which has now been converted from the pond it was then to a proper park area, Kiara Park.

Last Saturday, Eza and I and our kids met up at Kiara Park, unloaded the food from our cars, bossed the kids to help carry the things and walked further into the park than we had before, as we tried to find a good spot to park ourselves. Rasa macam lama giler jalan when in fact it was probably just about 10 mins, if that pun, but it was starting to be a hot day. Then we saw the perfect spot under the trees in between the stream and the playground but we were on the wrong side. Since we're such lazy bitches, instead of turning a little bit back and crossing at the bridge, we thought what the hey, let's jus really get back to nature and cross the stream. Okay, as Eza said, calling it a stream is a bit of a stretch, it wasn't that wide. But finding a proper flowing body of water that was or appeared to be clean and clear and did not smell hanyir in Klang Valley is no mean feat so I think it deserves to be called a stream. Tak wide, tak wide pun, we did not manage to cross that stream gracefully, Eza stumbled in the muddy embankment and like a true friend, I laughed instead of helping her. Sorry Eza. Dah lah she had brought proper food and even a surprise birthday cake for me. Thank you dear, I don't know why you put up with me sometimes. Anyway, once we had got the tikar out and set up the food (screaming like true city brats "Ants! Ants! Big ass ants!!!") her kids brought out the surprise cake for me and in the middle of the park in Taman Tun with IBM tower gleaming in the sun within view, they all sang happy birthday to me kuat2 tanpa segan silu. Thank you so much you guys!!

We ate, the kids played at the playground within our view and reach and Eza and I chilled under the tree as we dug into the cake with forks (who needs slices?) Good times....

Later we all ended up in the stream, surprisingly it felt really cooling there even though the hot sun was already high in the sky and before I could say don't sit in the water, my beloved Amani did just that, thankfully I had brought extra clothes for her.

In the end, everyone ended up getting wet in the water and I sat there on a big rock, my feet in the stream, watching my best friend and our kids trying to catch the tiny fishes in the water and I felt so content and so blessed and so happy.

Sometimes we don't need to go very far to find fulfilment.

Family outing

2009-03-03T09:54:00.013+08:00

A few weeks back, during the last 3 day weekend, Nazri & both his brothers and our respective kids and his parents all went out together to KLCC. Riuh habis. Being an only child, when I was growing up the weekends were fairly quiet, my mom would take me to libraries and parks and so on and from time to time, I'd meet up with my cousins but when I married Nazri with his 5 siblings I anticipated more entire-family-related weekends. But Nazri nama je adik beradik ramai but they are scattered all over Malaysia, except for his younger brother so this KLCC outing was rare and turned out to be really fun. Sometimes my inlaws (read: mother in law) drives me crazy but I really do love her and them...hmmm I'm getting quite cair and lembik and sentimental as I get older...Anyway, Amani was thrilled to be with so many of her cousins and the kids ran and jumped and twirled along the tunnel from KLCC and Aquaria.

Now this is THE main joy of having children. I've been to Aquaria a few times and have always enjoyed it but seeing it through their eyes, watching them as their eyes widened in wonder at the humongous Amazonian fish and the giant manta ray "flying" through the water, just made the whole trip more special. And I was especially thrilled for them that unexpectedly we had arrived just in time (so not a Hassanal Bashry family trait) to watch the feeding of the fish by the Aquaria scuba divers. The kids ooh'd and aaah'd and so did I along with them.

Amani with her favourite Aunt, Mak Chu:

Afterwards we all had lunch together under the trees at Velodrome, Cheras - nasi hidang & ayam kampung.

A brilliant day out.

Love

2008-11-20T12:24:00.001+08:00

Love at 16:
“I love you so very much. I can’t bear it when I’m not with you. I can’t live without you.”

Love at 25:
“I love you. I miss you already.”

Love at 30:
“Love you, bye!”

Love over 30:
“For the love of God, why can’t you do it for once without me having to ask you!”

a hard week

2008-08-27T17:03:00.002+08:00

It's been a hell of a week...and it's only Weds. Our firm does a lot of divorce cases and usually i'm pretty good at being sympathetic and feeling empathy for the clients but still manage to have some sort of separation, emotion wise...I'm not making sense, it's because I want to write it all out here but can't due to client confidentiality and also because of course I can and am supposed to keep their files secret, but when a client is also a good friend, someone I've seen at the outset of their relationship and marriage when once love ruled all, it's affecting me emotionally and now I'm also swept up in my friend's sadness at how things have turned out and I find myself brooding about it and worrying about it all. Anyway, it's not her alone, I've also found out during the past weekend about someone who is otherwise so nice and respectful to me having just slapped his wife of only one year who just had their baby...what is this world coming to? It's not just these 2 instances, too many things have been confided in me by people seeking to end their marriages and also those making the equally hard decision to stay...and it just makes for a very dark and depressing time...I go home and these thoughts follow me all throughout the drive back to Cheras. It's been a looong week. Luckily the long weekend is coming up...am even thinking of going to the Merdeka parade to bring some cheer back. And maybe some hope too.

Crying at the Olymipcs

2008-08-11T16:48:00.002+08:00

I'm not much of a sports fan and the few times that I do watch it on TV, I'm not one of those that tend to shout either in anger or joy because basically I just don't care who wins or loses. But somehow the Olympics this time around has turned me into a sobbing mess. There's just something so...noble, I guess is the best word to describe it, about competing and wanting to win for your country. I think that's why I can appreciate the World Cup more than football club championships. Still I was shocked to find myself crying at the opening events - Come on, didn't it just break your heart to watch the Palestine contingent with all of 4 members, from a war torn country, but still smiling and holding hands even though they only took up like a dot of space in the stadium compared to the hundreds of members of the Chinese contingent. And the last bit with the lighting of the Olympic torch, that was just amazing. So I had a little sob, told myself to shut up and changed the channel when the opening ceremony ended.

The next day I switched it back on and the first thing that came on was weightlifting. Now of all the sports that I don't watch that I find most boring, weightlifting is one of the top three, the other two being lawnbowling and golf - sorry I just cannot appreciate golf. I may not like football but at least you've got one or two or thirty cute players that you can ogle at but golf? Anyway, there I was watching women's weightlifting while waiting for the gymnastics to come one when suddenly China won her first gold medal. The weighlifter was such an itty bitty woman but when she lifted that last weight (what was it, 117kg or something?) with such strength, such determination, I just got up and cheered and then cried together with her when she won the medal.

I am such a sap.

Go girl power!!!

simple pleasures

2008-08-06T16:03:00.004+08:00

lately i've been caught up in trying to find fun things for Amani to do, books or toys that might be interesting, that i forget that sometimes all a kid wants is a buddy and a garden hose. Okay, the words sound indecent but the pictures aren't:-

I love seeing her so thrilled.

My City Brats

2008-06-04T17:37:00.007+08:00

This was posted in this month's SJ Echo.

I’ve always considered myself a city lass. Probably because I’ve lived in Subang since I was six or because my parents’ folks, (when they were still around), were all staying less than 50 km from Subang. Up until I was about 20, the place I referred to as my kampung was Banting, which is only about 45 minutes away by car. So I never had to face those tiresome balik kampung journeys that my friends did.

Then I married a lad from Taiping. So for the first few years, I experienced the monthly pilgrimage to see my mom-in-law. Then she moved to KL. Now my kampung is Subang Jaya and Ampang. So, I guess I am now a certified city lass.

I’ve always known I am a city lass, but have never realized how much an impact that is to my kids.

Recently, in one of my lets-do-something-different-day moments, I thought I’d bring my kids closer to nature. So after much Googling, I woke the kids up early one Sunday, made them put on their sports shoes, packed enough food for a day, and off we went to the Forest Research Institute Malaysia (FRIM) in Kepong.

I thought it would be fun to let the kids run around with fresh air around them, trees over their heads and dirt below their feet. It would be a change from the recycled air-conditioned air in the concrete jungle of shopping complexes. I would not have to worry about exhaust fumes, jostling shoppers or lunatic drivers.

Adam was gung-ho about the whole idea, but Sarah was not too sure. I cajoled them anyway, certain that they were going to enjoy themselves. They were kids, and kids enjoy being outdoors, right? Wrong.

When we got there, the weather was simply beautiful. We went to the information centre, and enquired about the easiest trek that would be suitable for kids. The nice lady suggested we go on the Salleh trail. She said it usually takes about 45 minutes to complete the entire trail. I was looking forward to 45 minutes of quality time with my kids in a healthy environment.

So off we went, passing by a fish pond which contained a huge Arapaima Gigas. Adam and Sarah were still excited at this point. But once we reached the start of the trail, Sarah was already whining. “I don’t want to go in there, this place is spooky, I don’t like the smell, it’s too dark, I’m too tired…” and the list of complaints went on and on.

Since we were already there, I coaxed her to enter the jungle. She went in, still with a string of complaints. The trail itself was okay. We had to climb a bit and descent a bit, but overall, it was not too exhausting. But for a couple of city kids? Hah! Sarah’s whining was full blast by then, and Adam’s were only starting. Adam was saying “I don’t like this place, it’s got ants”. It is a jungle, for crying out loud! What did he expect? The mosquitoes did not help either. Strangely, I did not get bitten even once, but the kids were scratching all over. Not sure whether there really were lots of mosquitoes, or they were just allergic to clean air, so used to carbon-monoxide-laden hazy air of Subang Jaya that they were.

In the end, I just could not take the complaints any longer, so once we reached the spot where we could see the kapur trees, we decided to turn back. Mind you, this was not even halfway, but I thought, any much longer of this whining, I would leave the kids in the jungle and they would have to find their way back themselves a la Hansel and Gretel.

So that was my attempt in trying to get a couple of city kids closer to nature. We ended up at Port Dickson that day, where the kids enjoyed a fun day with thousands of other beach goers and inhaling carbon monoxide from the jet-skis and motorboats.

A few weeks later, on a spur of the moment, we went to Pulau Pangkor, where we spent the night. There we were on a beautiful island surrounded by jungles and beaches, and Adam and Sarah were more excited about the swimming pool, the pool table and the dart boards. Alas, we had a fun time going around Pangkor Island visiting the little stalls selling all sorts of knick knacks. We saw fishing villages, and kampung people in their idyllic lifestyle.

Sarah was smitten enough to say, “Mama, this is fun. Can we stay here forever?”

I teasingly said to her, “But Pangkor Island does not have a shopping mall or McDonalds. If you want to get new clothes, you’d have to buy them from the stalls.”

She seriously considered this, and immediately changed her mind. This was from a 5-year-old girl, a 5-year-old girl who can’t live without shopping malls. How much more city brat can you get?

Throughout both our attempted rendezvous with nature, only one person seemed to be totally oblivious to the mosquitoes, the ants, the climbs, or the absence of McDonalds and Megamalls. He totally enjoyed the trees, the walks, the beaches and the sand. All in all, he was totally Zen-like and one with nature. Never mind that he is only two, and most of the time his father carried him. Next time I am taking only Danish to FRIM, and leave the other two with their Play Stations.

After our FRIM trip, I asked Adam whether he would want to come back. He said maybe, when he is 20. As for Sarah? It is a resounding NO. And matter-of-factly she told me, “Mama, I do not want to go to places where I have to walk and climb and sweat. I only want to go to places where there are air-conditioners, escalators and elevators”.

Sigh.. city brats.

miseducation

2008-05-30T12:34:00.002+08:00

I was reading richard scarry's please and thank you book to my toddler the other day and as usual, she likes to point out the cats, pigs, rabbits, bears etc in the pictures. Then suddenly she said loudly "Fock!"

"What did you say Amani?" I asked, thinking bloody hell of all the words I may have said in front of her, I'm pretty sure the F- word never came up aloud unless she's been reading my mind.

"Fock!" she exclaimed happily again.

Shit, shit, shit, I think, how the bloody hell am I going to explain this to her preschool?

"What's fock Amani?" I ask.

"Theeeeere," she looked at me like I'm an idiot, as she pointed to a picture of a fox.

"Oooh, foxxxxxx" I stress the "xxxx" until spit spews out of my mouth.

"Yes, fockkkkkkk" she repeats.

Aaaargh!!!!! So I tell her, feeling really guilty as I do it as I'm purposely teaching her a wrong thing. "Why don't we just call it "fos" for the moment ok?"

blabberings

2008-05-18T02:32:00.002+08:00

Words of wisdom from my two year old this morning:

"Jangan berak kat kipas, nanti kipas rosak."

???? I don't know where she gets these "slogans" from!

Your Excellency

2008-05-14T09:06:00.003+08:00

My daughter, the diplomat, finally got this feuding old couple back together in laughter once again. All together now, "Reunited.....and it feels so good..."

Sometimes I do act my age

2008-04-29T12:18:00.004+08:00

My mother in law has been staying with us since the past 2 weeks ever since a heated argument with my father in law who said some really unforgivable things to her. And the amazing part? I actually have not lost my sanity. She has stayed with us before, for a week I think was the longest, that was about 3-4 years ago and I remember almost losing my mind back then because we just have different ways of doing things and I kept getting constantly annoyed at her rearranging of my house, the garden etc. But now? I don't know if it's because I'm older and if not wiser, am more patient or because my daughter rearranges the house anyway or perhaps because as of late I've been a counsel/counsellor for clients with all sorts of messy marital problems, but it's actually been okay having my mom-in-law around. And guess what? In addition to her staying with us for possibly in perpetuity if my father in law doesn't come up with a good apology plan, the three of us and Amani are all going on holiday together this coming long Labour Day-weekend! And we're all going to stay in the same room. Am I an adult or what? I feel all very zen-like and mature..hehe..perasan!

The blues gang

2008-04-16T10:06:00.004+08:00

We went to Seremban to see an old friend who also had a little girl. I just sat back and watched my daughter make friends. She never ceases to amaze me.

Virtually Friendly

2008-04-07T12:52:00.005+08:00

This was posted in Subang Jaya's community paper, here. Tapi nak jugak post kat sini :)

Virtually Friendly

I am playing Scrabble with my ex-CFO. At the same time, I am enjoying a cup of coffee with an ex-colleague from France, comparing movie tastes with my cousin in London and getting spanked by a person I knew from school 20 years ago but have hardly exchanged two words.

I am not Superwoman, but thanks to the internet technology, I may well be on the way to becoming one. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give it up to the virtual world created by the internet.

From internet banking to online community to blogs, the virtual world is slowly but surely becoming more prevalent in our lives. The recent general election is testament to the power of the virtual communication. While BN utilized mainstream media to convey their election messages, the Barisan Rakyat, with shallower pockets, used the internet. In the end, it was clear which medium was more relevant to the people. This was especially true in areas like Selangor and Penang, where internet penetration is higher.

The introvert in me welcome this live in the virtual world. Contrary to what others may think, I am somewhat reluctant to meet people, especially new people that I don’t know. I am horrible at small talks, and even worse at remembering faces and names. There have been many instances where people stop me in the street and have a chat with me, and I will be smiling and nodding away, but have no clue as to who that person is. Some may label me toffee-nosed for that, but the plain truth is just that I am such a scatterbrain.

So I love this virtual world of the 21^st century. I can do my banking, renew my driving license, complete my income tax returns, even order food, all without having to get out of my pajamas. More importantly, I don’t have to suffer those embarrassing silences when I just don’t know what to say to the mak cik that looks so familiar but I can’t seem to place where I knew her from.

In primary school, I was kind of a geek and stuck with a close group of friends. Not that I did not want to make friends with other people outside my clique, I just don’t know how to go about doing that.. Thank God there were many kind souls who took me under their wings and became my friends.. (Hi Marina!)

But now, I can chat up a storm with anyone from across the globe. Online communities have given me the opportunity to make new friends and renew old acquaintances.

There are many sites out there offering online social networking services. There’s My Space, Squidoo, and countless others. The two that I am signed up to are Friendster and Facebook.

So now with Friendster and Facebook, this socially challenged female have hooked up with people that went to Sekolah Kebangsaan Subang Jaya the same time she did. Never mind that during the 6 years we were in school together, we hardly exchanged hellos. The point is, I am chatting with someone I knew 20 years ago, and that’s kinda cool.

So far, I have also hooked up with people from secondary school, college and university. I am waiting to see if I could find any kindy mate 

It will be good to see what the new Selangor government will do to improve our virtual lives. They have won their seats in part because of their very effective cyber campaigning. So I am sure they are very aware of how relevant the internet has become.

For one, it will be good if schools in Subang Jaya could be more in touch with the cyber technologies. Instead of, or in addition to, the circulars printed on papers that are sure to be found scrunched up at the bottom of my son’s school bag a week AFTER the event, maybe parents can be informed of latest happenings via email or SMS. Report cards and students’ performances could be made online too, so that parents can have constant access to their children’s academic performance instead of twice a year. Some schools are already initiating efforts like this, but such exercise takes money. So instead of spending millions of ringgits building giant pigeon statutes that benefit no one (except probably the pigeon contractors), why don’t the state government spend a tiny bit to bring schools up to speed with the internet era?

Similarly, local authorities should also come out of the stone age and embrace the cyber age. In this respect, MPSJ has done a good job with their site. I have yet to try their services, but from what I see, Subang people can pay their assessments, lodge complaints and enjoy many other services that they have made available online. Am sure that there is still room for improvement, but MPSJ is definitely moving in the right direction in this respect.

As with many other things, the virtual world has its disadvantageous. Inability to have two minutes to yourself is one. At any one time, friends and family can contact me by at least two (usually more!) communication modes. I am contactable by SMS, email, IM and of course, the other conventional methods of voice calls, mail, fax, or (gasp!) actually walking from the next cubicle to mine and telling me in person about the so and so meeting.

So there is no way that I can play truant from work without my bosses or colleagues calling me back to the office . No way I can go pick up hubby’s surprise birthday gift without him calling me and asking me what I am doing (hubby has a sixth sense when I try to sneak around him.. I can’t never surprise him. He will always call me when I am up to something ) I can’t give excuses like “I did not get your message”, or “I did not know about the meeting” or “the documents must have gotten lost in the mail”. No way, Jose.

This dependency on these technology can be daunting sometimes. So used to being reachable 24/7, I am sure I am not the only one who feel like I can’t breathe when my phone suddenly dies on me when I am traveling, and there is no way that anyone can contact me. It’s like I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. All sorts of paranoid thoughts go through my head like what if something happened to my kids and no one can call me? What if my mom or dad got admitted to hospital? What if there was a fire at home? What if the sky really is falling? The feeling of being unreachable is so overwhelming that I just can’t live without at least my 3G mobile or my internet enabled PC, preferably both. I am becoming a virtual paranoid and there is just no way of reversing it.

Oh well.. que sera sera.. at least I know that I will be informed of the latest Jusco / Metro / Parkson sale the moment it happens. Never mind that Mr. Editor can SMS, IM, voicemail and email me to tell me that I am late for my article submission.. (errr.. Mr. Editor.. my cat ate my hard disk.. is that an acceptable excuse?)

Pox and REM ramblings

2008-03-31T02:37:00.005+08:00

For the past week, I've literally not been outside the house, not even into the front yard - except for a blissful Barney-free 2 hours on Tuesday when my husband managed to come home early from work to relieve me and a short doctor's visit on Thursday. The temporary exile from the outside world was due to Amani suddenly getting chicken pox last Saturday morning. I noticed a red bump on her hand on Friday night before but mistakenly thought it was an insect bite and it was only the next morning when we were getting ready to go for our nephew's wedding in Seremban that we saw many red spots had already spouted all over her body. Luckily she had already been vaccinated (apparently 1 in 10 kids who have received the chicken pox vaccination may still get it) otherwise it could have been an even bigger heartbreak. To distract her from scratching I let her watch Barney all the time during our quarantine week so now I have fully memorised all songs and all the scripts of Barney Goes to the Zoo, Barney Goes to the Farm, Moving and Grooving with Barney. Is it just me or do the kids on Barney's show speak in an unnaturally cheerful tone, they're sort of like Stepford kids, creepy and annoying...but it just broke my heart (and made me laugh at the same time) when I saw Amani scratching the itch from the spots in her bum by rubbing her butt against the edge of her kiddy chair, so Barney it was then.

On Tuesday, from 6 to 8 pm, it felt really great to be out of the house. I didn't plan to go anywhere, just put on the Best of REM CD and drove around in the car, circling the Cheras area. So surreal listening to REM and rediscovering and falling in love with them all over again especially when I read about the stories behind each song in the album cover. Feeling habis as I drove in the sunset listening to "Losing my Religion" and "Everybody Hurts" and "Electrolite".
Felt much saner when I drove back to the house.

Notwithstanding the chicken pox, it was really nice spending all that time with Amani, just hanging out, playing with her and reading to her. During her naptimes, I managed to finish reading "Mother Missing" by Joyce Carol Oates which made me cry..God, I've gotten very sentimental and weepy ever since I had a kid..the littlest thing, a soppy TV advert or a moving quotation about parent-child relationship just makes me tear up.

sentimental emotional ramblings

2008-02-29T09:43:00.000+08:00

I wonder if her body will remember my touch even if she doesn't. If somehow, it's recorded somewhere in the cells of her skin, when I stroke her head when she's asleep at night, when I hold her in my lap as she's engrossed watching tv, when I wash her body as she's busy splashing around and playing with bubbles. Apart from the whole hassle of trying to find a good, trustworthy maid who won't run away, it's one of the main reasons I'm hesitant about getting a maid - the temptation to let her deal with all the diaper changing, bathing, cleaning of messy sticky toddler hands would be too great. It sounds silly and stupid and irrational, but as much as possible I want my touch to be imprinted on my daughter's skin. As if somehow, this would mean my love would get absorbed into her skin as well in this way and she would always know, whether she remembers it or not or whatever happens to me or to us in the future, how much I love her.

birthday

2008-02-27T10:22:00.002+08:00

On 24th February, I turned 33. In the morning, the three of us drove out of Cheras with no real plans except to find a place to buy and fly a kite. We were heading to the general vicinity of Gombak/Kepong where there is this vast park designated for kite flying. Then we passed by a sign to Bukit Tinggi and on the spur of the moment, I decided that's where I wanted to go that morning. So off we went. Colmar Tropicale itself takde mende sangat lah for me but there was a clown giving away free balloons so Amani was sorted. Then she made her usual request for "Nak pergi taman, Mummy." The girl is obsessed with taman, any playground or park or field will do. So we drove all the way up to Bukit Tinggi to play at the small playground they had at the back. Afterwards we went to the Japanese garden area where Amani dressed up and posed in a kimono, complete with wooden sandles. So darn cute..hehehe...eh, birthday sape ni?? Hehe..it made me feel very happy seeing her so happy, especially when we were at the rabbit park after that, where she fed and petted almost all the rabbits, even the ones who were trying to take a nap, only to be faced with an insistent toddler with food in her hands for them. I am so tempted to get rabbits and turtles and fish as pets for her, she's really thrilled with them but I just can't be bloody arsed to clean up after all these animals. I don't mind cats, they pretty much clean up after themselves mostly. But I can't bring myself to get a cat, not after Munchy...not yet. Okay, enough off tangent rambling. On the way down Bukit Tinggi we stopped by a stable so that my city girl can see horses live and up close rather than just on Animal Planet. That was nice. I like horses. They're just so honest. They smell like the earth and they work hard. They're not just pretty for the sake of being pretty. Okay, moving on, I'm getting even more rambling as I get older. Petang tu baru we went to the field for kite flying and my God, ramai nya manusia. Nak masuk pun sikit punye susah. Who knew kite flying was so popular. So at 5.30pm on my 33rd birthday, I Noraishah Ismail aka Lala in this blog flew a kite for the very first time in my life. And 5 minutes later, the string broke off and the kite escaped and flew into a tree. The end. Hehehe..ok lah, not the end. While my husband gigih berusaha to bring down the kite - I told him to leave it, tak lah mahal sangat, but while I am getting more rambling as I get older, he is getting more stubborn, I went back to the budak yang duk jual the kites next to the car park and got another cheap kite and Amani and I flew it together until it was nearly dusk...and thus ended my birthday. Very blissful.

old lady

2008-02-14T10:18:00.003+08:00

Yesterday after work, i took Amani to the playground where a charming 6 year old girl named Puteri befriended us. She played very sweetly with Amani and chatted with me about her new baby brother.

Then she asked "How old is she?" pointing to Amani. "Two," I said, "how old are you?" "Six," she answered proudly, "and the baby is 7 months old". "What a big girl you are!" I said, sensing that that was the reply she wanted to hear. She grinned and twirled around a bit and then asked me the killer question, "How old are you?"

"Thirty three," I told her.

Her eyes and mouth widened like she could not imagine the enormity of such a number. And in an innocent voice full of awe and no malice, she whispered loudly like she was breaking some grave news to me, telling me something I may not be aware of - "You're OLD."

Yes, dear, I am. And somehow, I don't feel bad about it this year. In less than 2 weeks time I'll be turning 33. A lot of good things are happening now that I'm rising higher up in the 30s. I no longer care what people say or think about me. I feel no shame whatsoever when I sing badly at karaoke,. I no longer fear telling someone I have no idea what they're talking about at the risk of appearing to be an idiot. I realise what's really important in life - finding peace and contentment. Syukur Alhamdulillah, I am at peace. I love and am loved by my family. I have good friends. I may not be a millionaire but I can eat well. I have a comfortable home and bed. I had a good holiday recently in Pangkor where I swam in the beautiful blue sea with fishes and watched my daughter play with the waves for the first time. I feel really grateful and really blessed.

For my 33rd birthday, I plan to fly a kite - I've never properly flown one before. Maybe have a picnic. Later, blow up the kiddie pool and splash around with Amani in the front yard. A slice of Baskin Robbins ice cream cake. A box of assorted chocolates. A nice steak dinner with creamy buttery mashed potatoes. Bliss.

My Little Princess

2008-01-08T13:34:00.000+08:00

Sarah turned 5 last weekend. My baby is all grown up. Sigh.. Time flies so fast. I find myself often just observing her in her elements, whether when she is eating, playing or hard at work on her latest colouring project. At times like those I just wish I could capture her expression, her face, her hair, and frame it somewhere. At times like those, I realise that I only have a few more years before she does not want to spend every waking hour with me, she would have her own cliques who are much cooler than plain old mama.. It hurts so much when I realise that I can't hold on to my baby forever.. But ces la vie..

We have our "Girls Day Out" trips, and we will indulge in Baskin Robbins while sitting at the ice cream parlour's bar and watching the parade of people pass by. We will ooh and aaahh at the many fluffy, ruffly, lacy, twirly dresses that God-knows-when a 5 year old is gonna wear.. We'll buy silly hair accessories and matching friendship bracelets.. I hope that she will remember these times when she is older and when she thinks I am no longer hip..

I've told hubby that even if I were to have another baby, I don't want it to be a girl, because to me, I can only have one princess.. Although she is the one who gets on my nerves the most often, she is also the one who melts my heart so..

But I would like to think that I taught her well for her life ahead. While Adam was busy telling us about the sports car that he is going to buy for himself "when I am an adult", Sarah promptly announced, "I am never going to buy my own car. I'll just get someone to drive me around".. Good girl..

fun facts

2007-12-07T14:51:00.000+08:00

What did we ever do before google? I've always been fascinated by the fact that lionesses hunt for the tribe and take care of all the cubs while the male lion sits there, roars a bit once in awhile and gets to eat first. It's a slow Friday so I did a bit of googling on the role of male lions in the tribe and found out way more than I wanted to:

"Male lions have spines on their penis that point backwards. The purpose of these spines is to cause slight (slight????? me not think backward pointing spines go together with the word "slight"!!!!) trauma to the female's vagina upon withdrawal of the penis. The resulting pain triggers ovulation. It may also help explain why the female turns and bares her teeth at the male at the end of mating."

Bloody hell. You learn something new everyday whether you want to or not.

Hmmmm....if the female lion bares her teeth at the end because of the pain from the spine thingy, then what the hell spines/thorns/swords? are on a praying mantis since he gets his head bitten off at the end of mating??? Back to the google we go......

more ramblings

2007-12-04T12:18:00.000+08:00

Was in syariah court again just now. The case right before us happened to be a criminal sentencing - a couple of Malay guys caught gambling. Right before sentencing the judge asked them whether they had anything to say for themselves and like a classic drama Melayu, keluarlah segala cerita keluarga "Kalau saya dipenjarakan, apa nak jadi dengan tiga anak saya, isteri saya, saya kena tanggung ibubapa saya yang sakit, etc etc" It's the same line you read everytime in the papers, the same excuse used for leniency by someone who broke the law "I am the sole breadwinner for the family, I have so mane dependents blah blah blah" - it especially pisses me off when a rapist or worse an incestual rapist uses that excuse. Anyway, back to the court session just now, just as I was thinking in my head that "you sure didn't think of them when you were doing it" the judge said the exact same thing "Masa judi tu, tak pikir pasal anak, pasal mak sakit!" Right on Yang Arif.

ramblings

2007-12-04T12:04:00.000+08:00

I was watching a Malay drama the other day (yes, saddo makcik that I am) and realised that the one statement which truly reflects us Malaysians, with brutal honesty, is something one of the pakciks in the drama said, which was "Walaumacamana pun, kita minum dulu!"

That is the favourite tagline for our everyday life. Got a deadline? "Walaumacamana pun, kita minum dulu!" Ada orang datang merisik? "Walaumacamana pun, kita minum dulu!" Have to report for duty at 8.30 am? "Walaumacamana pun, kita minum dulu!"

I quite like it actually. It's a simple answer to life's problems rather than the unnaturally-optimistic-sounds-like-it-came-from-a-politician's-mouth tagline of "Malaysia boleh!"

tired mommy

2007-11-13T10:34:00.000+08:00

There should be a new car sign made - instead of the usual cheery cutesy "Baby on board" or "Child on board", there should be a more honest "Exhausted mother on board so piss off!"

Amani comes with me every morning as I drop her off at the nursery before I go into work and every morning we have to listen to the same CD or more specifically the same song on the same CD over and over again. I've made my peace with this as most of the time it calms her down. This morning was not one of those days. Semua benda tak kena for her this morning, the way her car seat strap felt, the way the sun dare shine one of its rays onto her face, the way her teddy bear refused to sit properly, everythinglah and to top it off her mother had the audacity to try and drive safely instead of keeping both hands off the steering wheel and clapping non-stop to her favourite song. It was a loooooong drive to Damansara from Cheras this morning and of course as soon as she had reached the nursery she was back to her cheerful self and waved me goodbye with a flying kiss. Why do you always save your meltdowns for me little girl?

simple pleasures for simple minds

2007-10-30T10:38:00.000+08:00

Dear God help me - i've recently become addicted all over again to Bounce, my all time favourite arcade game other than space invaders. Children of the Atari generation - come rejoin the flock: (http://www.arcadetown.com/bounce/index.asp)

some days i just loathe myself

2007-10-29T13:06:00.000+08:00

9am - I am in syariah court waiting for the court clerk to call out my file number. I rarely go to court, I had always been a corporate lawyer and prefer spending time in an air-conditioned office where I don't have to wear black and white/jacket/robe. Nobody gives a shit what I wear so long as I deliver the work on time and since it's our own office with just the 4 of us here and no one to impress, the only days where I have to dress up properly is if there's a meeting with clients. But somedays like today I have to show up with my jacket blah blah blah and sit among other lawyers waiting for the court clerk to call out our file numbers. And as I wait, I get bored....I have a really good book in my bag but it's called "Bright Lights Big Ass" which is so not a proper reading material for syariah court....and because I feel a bit self conscious sitting there in front of the public gallery where members of the public are staring at us because they too are probably bored out of their minds, I start scribling things in my note pad - as if am writing important notes when actually was just jotting down stupid things like my grocery list. God I hate lawyers...we're such posers.

I Am Such A Sucker - Part Deux

2007-10-22T11:06:00.000+08:00

This is an update to my earlier post - I Am Such A Sucker.

I went to the Unleash Your Marketing Genius (UYMG) seminar. I listened to all the hoopla. I did all the exercises. I even paid to get my own domain! Yet I am back at sqaure one. UYMG taught me already knew. What it did NOT teach me are the intricacies of internet marketing. They told me to succeed in internet marketing, you need to build a mailing list. Fine, I knew that. What they did not tell me is how the hell do I build that list?? Sure they said that you need content, to post on forums, to advertise bla bla bla to drive traffic to my site so that people will sign up to be on my mailing list. But they did NOT tell me how the hell do I actually draw those tiny boxes for people to input their email addresses, and when people input their address, where the hell are the addresses stored, and how on earth do I send newsletters to these people? Damn.. apparently it involves some .php, MySQL and other acronyms that I do not know stands for what. And if I really want to know, I have to sign up for anpother course, pay another few thousand dollars, and get suckered again.

What I was surprised at was that there was plenty of people willing to part with up to RM10 grand to join these programs. The apex of the seminar was the "Become A Consultant" program that cost RM35,000 to join!! And 25 people actually signed up on the spot!! Damn.. where do these people come from??

Sheesh.. since I've already bought a domain name and space, I might as well find out how to do that damn thing. Right now I am still trying to find out how auto responder works.

Anyone out there willing to be a mentor to a somewhat sceptical internet marketeer wannabe?

spaceman

2007-10-11T11:54:00.000+08:00

To be honest, I didn't think I would be watching the launch into space of Malaysia's first astronaut/cosmonaut/whatevernot - I personally feel it is a waste of taxpayers' money which could be used for so many underprivileged people, education for so many children whose families can't afford for them to continue schooling, orphanages etc, so so much more. But last night at 9.21pm, I dutifully turned to channel 990 to watch the launch and to my surprise, found myself getting caught up in the countdown - pointing out to Amani "tengok, tengok - rocket & dalam rocket ada astronaut" and hearing her repeat back to me "ha, tu - rocket" and watching her face as she look, entranced and in amazement as the rocket took off.

I love seeing the world through her eyes.

If This Is A Guilty Indulgence, Why Don't We Ever Feel Guilty?

2007-10-03T10:30:00.000+08:00

OMG this so yummmmmmmmyyyyy.. Lets go after Raya.. Screw the calories.. we would have wolfed down enough ketupat and rendang during the first two days of Raya to negate all the fasting we did for 30 days anyway, so screw it and lets indulge some more..

DIY (sort of) toys

2007-09-11T11:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes....ok, I'm lying, most times when I'm looking for toys for Amani, I'm usually attracted to toys that I enjoyed playing with when I was a little girl and also toys that I wished I had growing up but didn't get because it was too expensive and I was one of those children who would waste an entire week's pocket money on stupid things instead of saving it diligently over the weeks and months to buy the stuff myself.

One thing which I really yearned for was a doll house - a proper one made from wood like the one that one of the girls in my street had and not the 2 empty tissue boxes my Dad cellotaped together and declared a doll house.

So even when Amani was a baby, I started eyeing all the beautiful wooden doll houses in the toy stores. And some things stay the same over the years. They were expensive then and they're even more expensive now. One which I liked the best costs RM300 (what the ????) and of course came without the furniture and accessories and doll family that you have to buy separately. The entire cost of it just made me balk as I'm sure it made my parents balk decades ago...come to think of it, it was probably after coming back from one of those whining trips from the toy store that my dad decided to do the DIY with the tissue boxes.

And so I was thrilled when one of my favourite bloggers, http://www.sweetjuniper.com/ came up with a brilliant DIY dollhouse - http://www.sweet-juniper.com/search/label/Design
(forgive me - I am a techno-bimbo and am too old to start figuring out how to do the linking thingy properly - the fact that I can sort-of blog already makes me feel all-worldly and tech-savvy)

It inspired me to try and make my own doll house for my little girl. Because I lack any carpentry skills whatsoever, unlike Dutch, I couldn't do the woodwork myself so I cheated and bought a cheap wooden shelf from IKEA - the one with the plastic sides that one day I can cut windows out of when Amani gets older and wants to do up the house more.

But the toys inside are all using whatever stuff or toys (toy blocks, doll figures from Playschool's Wheels-of-the-Bus and various McDonalds Happy Meals toys, jelly molds, old boxes, table mat, dish rags) she/we already have about the house which I cellotaped (I am my father's daughter) together to sort of resemble furniture.

And voila, here we have it - Amani's very own non-RM300 doll house:

Little sponges

2007-09-06T12:33:00.001+08:00

There are some things that I consciously try to instil in Amani or teach her - say please and thank you, don't be mean to animals (ok, at the moment since she's hardly two years old so the only animal she comes most in contact with is our neighbour's cat so it's more of a "don't pull the cat's tail" kind of lesson for now), love of books (which she does - not so much "reading" it but the rustling of the pages as she flips them), songs & rhymes etc. But other than buying some childrens' books about stories from the Quran and singing "alif, ba, ta" or Raihan songs with her, I haven't really taught - if that is the right word for it - her anything religious-wise because as I said she's not even two, how do I even begin to explain the concept of God to her, so my focus is more on the 'be kind to others and don't you dare throw that toy at that kid' type of lessons. So it was somewhat of a shock the other day when suddenly she stood up in front of me as we were just hanging out in the bedroom and pretended to 'pray' - with sujud, rukuk, siap mulut kumat-kamit lagi. I have no idea where she picked that up other than from just watching her dad or me pray. I just sat there and watched her in awe...and then awe turned into fear. My God, my daughter is a sponge. My God, I have to set a good example for her. Just when I thought I was getting the hang of this parenting thing - the feeding, the changing, the singing of the same nursery song over and over and over again for hours, the keeping of my patience at the tantrums and whinings - it smacks me back in the face saying "Hah - don't even think you've even remotely mastered being a mommy!" and throws me the added pressure of having to be a good role model for my daughter lest I screw up her life forever. Yes, that's one of my greatest fear as a parent - that anything I do or say or not do or say will mess up her life and it will all be my fault.

today is the BEST day of my so-called career

2007-08-16T12:21:00.000+08:00

No, I did not land a major client for the firm. No, I did not just complete a multi-milion transaction. This morning I just felt like I wanted to be with my daughter and still get some work done and so for the first time in my working life, I was absolutely and guilt-freely able to do so. I was able to bring my daughter to work and while I typed away at the computer, I watched her happily play in my office with some toys and books I brought from home, munching on the sandwiches I made for us this morning and being entertained by our kid-friendly receptionist. And in between all that playing (for her) and some working (for me), we squeezed in hugs and giggles and a couple of songs. Right now, she's taking a nap on the sofa bed in my room. Bliss, bliss, bliss. Today has been (and is still) my best day ever as a lawyer!

Tick Tock Tick Tock Time Is Ticking and I Am Fucked

2007-06-26T17:33:00.000+08:00

Went to Pertama Complex today to search for an outfit for an event that I am emceeing next month. A little nostalgic when I was there. I used to haunt that place during my courting years (read: no car, only the ever reliable bas mini). Walking past the video game joints, I realised that it was more than 10 years ago that I hung out at that place. The place has not changed. It still looks the same, it still smells the same, it still feels the same.

Then came the scary part.. I was still the same! Albeit 15 kgs and god-knows-how-much-I-dont-care-to-think-about-it centimetres more, but otherwise I was still the same. What have I achieved? Damn.. I am almost 32.. I am expected to achieve something by this age. Even if I did achieve something now, no one would be surprised anymore, coz, it is just what is expected from a 32 year old middle age (shudder..) woman. I am setting my target at 35. God.. I'd better achieve something by that age.. What? I don't know.. something.. Win a nobel prize in thermodynamics? Discover the secrets of the bermuda triangle? Act in a Hollywood blockbuster? Write a world best seller novel? Win American Idol? Whatever.. I am freaking out coz I think I dont have enough time anymore..

At least you've got the firm.. sigh.. you are so grown up Lala..

I Am Such a Sucker

2007-06-25T14:10:00.000+08:00

I am such a sucker for all these get-rich-quick schemes. At my age, I should be old (and wise?) enough to know that there is no such thing as an easy get rich scheme. Yet, time and time again I am drawn to these programs.

My latest adventure was attending a preview of one such event last week at the JW Marriott... Granted it was an official thingy, coz my boss got one of their emails and thought that it was a marketing course and told me to go check it out. I knew from the start that it was one of those internet marketing thingy, but hey, I get to go out of the office, plus I get to window shop at BB / Sg. Wang, if only for about 30 minutes.

So there I was at the preview with my immediate boss. As expected, there was this usual hype about how easy it is to make money on the internet. The steps are so simple, that you can do it in your sleep, yadidadidadida.. So for a limited time, they are offering a chance to be coached by the Guru of all Guru, who will be ensure that participants will make millions in nanoseconds. Oh btw, the program would cost RM5,000, because even though the founder of the program is a gazzillionaire, he still needs the money to run the course, and to weed out the serious marketeer from the other parasites. But out of the goodness of his heart, if we were to sign up on the preview day itself, he would slash down the price to RM1,998. Plus, if we were one of the first 20 participant to sign up, we get to bring another friend for FREE! Plus we will be entitled to gazillion more freebies that if we were to purchase ourselves, would cost us millions of dollars yadidadidadia..

Sigh, the pitch was not much different from the e-books that I have bought on the subject (trust me, I have obtained quite a few in my time!), and wasnt really convinced, but my boss was kinda green (a.k.a a virgin sucker) in this field. So he was taken by the presenter's charm and pitch. So taken, that he practically ran up to me asking me whether I want to join the course.

Now, of course I would want to! (Reminder : I AM A BIG SUCKER!) I've always wanted to join these programs, but I was not about to pay RM1,998 to be suckered again! Mr Boss said that we'll get the company to fork the bill. He will pay for the course first, and claim from the company later. Pucuk dicita ulam mendatang! Of course lah I want.

So I will be attending the "Unleash Your Marketing Genius - UYMG" by Stephen Pierce in September at KLCC. I dont expect much, but I hope to be surprised..

Peace Is Overrated

2007-06-25T10:45:00.000+08:00

I was in JB / Singapore last week. Flew in to JB on a Tuesday, drove in to Singapore on Wednesday morning and flew back to KL the same night via JB. Anyway, I am not gonna write about what I did in Singapore (pretty boring stuff.. Communic Asia, met a few people, sakit kaki trying to visit all 9 halls etc etc etc).

The trip was eye opening for me, in the sense that I went on this business trip on my own. I usually try to bring my kids along whenever I am on assignment outside KL. This time, because it involved a trip to Singapore (hence need for passport - which btw is so darn expensive to make!), I decided to go at it all by myself.

I was actually kind of looking forward to the trip. After almost 13 months of not enough sleep, I was looking forward to an uninterrupted 8 hours of long peaceful sleep, without having to worry about coughs and colds, without having to wake up to make that bottle. I was looking forward to having the big bed all to myself without being kicked in the face by tiny feet every few minutes. I was looking forward to spending some quiet quality time all by myself in the hotel room. I actually bought two books for myself, thinking and drooling about those long hours that I would have aaaaallllllll to myself.

Guess what? I lasted all of 5 minutes. Right after checking in to my hotel room, I flicked on the TV, and jumped into the bed with my book. 5 minutes later, all the quiet and peace got to me. I caved, and called hubby to check on the kids. I was jittery, like a crack craving junkie. I had about 4 hours to kill that evening before I had to meet up with the rest of my party for dinner. I could curl up in bed with that book like I planned. I could watch mindless TV endlessly.. I could I could I could. But I didnt.

I ended up taking a cab to a nearby shopping complex. I thought, that's still not so bad. I can enjoy the window shopping peacefully without straining my arms carrying a wriggling baby with two other kids hanging on to my dress and whining all the way. I could find a quiet cafe and sit down with my book. Did I do that? Noooooo... I was in and out of that complex in 20 minutes flat. Grabbed another cab and went to another shopping centre, this time a little further away from the hotel. Time taken to tour the complex before I got bored? 15 minutes. So I went back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. I still had 45 minutes to spare.

After dinner, was looking forward to staying up to read my book, with a bar of chocolate all to myself. No pudgy hands trying to steal my chocolates and messing my book. No whines for "just 5 more minutes". No bed time stories. No rocking and swaying to pujuk a baby to sleep, a baby who btw enjoys infuriating the mother by insisting on playing when its time for bed.

I was out by 10.30.

I was looking forward to the 8 hours of uninterrupted peaceful slumber.

I was up at 4 a.m., and I couldnt go back to sleep.

Turns out all this peace and quiet is not for me.. Sigh..

Now I am back to my 2 x 4 hours of sleep, wolfing down food while at the same time trying to keep the baby from falling off the baby chair and making sure that the other two kids are eating more than just rice and kicap. Total number of pages read? 10.

And I have never been happier.

midnight ramblings

2007-06-23T01:39:00.000+08:00

am watching david rocco's dolce vita on tv - they really shouldn't have programmes which show husbands making yummy lasagnes for their wives on their anniversary. that's just depressing.

they should bring ready steady cook to astro - now that's my kind of reality tv!

submitted a story to a publisher months ago...why haven't they replied and make my jk rowling dreams come true???!!!

my daughter who is not yet 2 can yell out "Elmo!" like a deranged fan when she spots him/it on tv. have caved in and bought her an elmo vcd. should buy me about 30 mins of peace...i have a love/hate relationship with barney and elmo, i hate them yet love them for the pockets of sanity they provide.

oh my god, now that bloody david rocco is taking his wife on a shoe shopping spree as an anniversary treat!! come on already! i can't even remember what we did on our last wedding anniversary..that's how exciting it was.

first proper night out

2007-06-23T01:29:00.000+08:00

ever so exciting. tonight i went out with an old friend after 8pm, leaving my daughter asleep with her father as the designated babysitter. i don't think i've been out properly since she was born. to celebrate, i went out with just my purse and handphone - no handbag full of diaper/milk bottle/toddler snacks/toys/wet wipes/plastic bag for emergency puking (for her not me). tonight i was a free woman - until midnight at least!

we didn't go out anywhere exciting - just to cheras selatan mall about 5 mins from our respective houses (thank you jaya jusco for coming to our part of cheras!) but it was lovely to have a peaceful meal as just me and to be able to talk for hours with my friend like old times. after dinner, we continued our bitching/whingeing/gossip session at starbucks where like the 2 old ladies that we are, we had hot cocoa instead of the coffees we used to have years ago - it was already way past our bedtimes.

simple though it was, i really enjoyed myself - an exciting friday night for me!

Kain batik heroins

2007-06-20T03:28:00.000+08:00

Reading about Eza's kain pelikat heroes drama (Oh my God!!! Were you freaked out tak? Or were you confident that by then the burglar was already kat 7-11 having a Coke?) reminded me of the kain batik heroins of 1992.

Scene: Top floor of girl's dorm in co-ed boarding school.
Total no of residents: About 50-60 hormonal easily excited 16 year old girls
Event: Break in by a small group of boys from the boy's dorm next door.

I woke up that night to the sound of running stamping feet. Was about to shout at people to shut up and what the hell were they doing playing tag in the middle of the night when it hit me to get out of bed and join in the running - it could be a fire for all I knew! 2 minutes later I watched in amazement as 2 kain batik heroins, my fellow dormmates in full-on girl power mode capturing one of the intruders and whacking him with a stick! I was as good as a pakcik in pagoda t shirt with tongkat - standing there mouth wide open like an idiot but no doing anything. Luckily my other dormmates quickly went to help the heroins and the finale of the night was the unveiling of the intruder-a quiet boy I don't think I have ever spoken to (It's always the quiet ones)!

That was one exciting school night. I don't think we all slept much after that. Just made bowls & tupperwares of maggi and sat around gossiping - all shocked but equally excited as well - this was an EVENT!

Kain Pelikat Heroes

2007-06-13T12:11:00.000+08:00

A burglar broke into my neighbour's house last night. Hubby was on the way out to pick up Adam from Kumon when he got the call. He was in front of the house in 2 minutes. Dad, with tongkat and track pants and pagoda T-shirt, bravely made his way to that house. Bro-in-law, upon hearing the news, jumped out of bed and ran straight to that house, bypassing dad-with-tongkat-and-track-pants-and-pagoda-shirt along the way. Within 5 minutes, the whole neighbourhood was in front of the house. Apparently the burglar was still inside.

Hubby and bro-in-law, idiots that they were, climbed over the gate and hollered for that burglar to come out. As if lah that hardened criminal will buckle and pee in his pants and willingly come out because these two not so strong looking men were yelling for him to come out.

The point I am trying to ponder is, is it better to be a live coward or a dead hero? I was kinda angry with the two of them for jumping over the fence and trying to challenge the burglar. What if that guy had a gun or something? What if there were more than one of them in the house? The rest of the neighborhood are made up of people resembling dad-with-tongkat-and-track-pants-and-pagoda-shirt. One came out with baju melayu and kain pelikat and a stick. Another got as far as his own gate before panting and went back in. So I guess I can forgive these pensioners for waiting outside the gate while those two idiots were inside playing Batman & Robin. (btw, once the police came, suddenly all these pensioners became brave superheroes and went into the house, stick, kain pelikat and all).

But if I were those people being burglared, I would like for someone to actually try to do something, rite? My house is being burglared! What are those people doing just ogling outside my gate with their kain pelikat, pagoda shirts, tongkat and stick? Help me, damn it!

It was an exciting night though. Two police cars came, branding pistols and M16s. Flashing their flashlights in the longkang. Climbing up the roof. Going through all the closets. It also showed how caring the neighborhood was. Within 5 minutes we had a nice crowd on the street already. Kinda makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside thinking that these pakciks are willing to come out when an emergency arise.

Anyway, the guy got away. Probably laughing all the way at the super heroes wannabe. He climbed over a neighbor's fence and fled. Or maybe climbed over the neighbour's fence, took a walk, and came back to join the onlookers / heroes wannabes, and calmly lending hubby that flashlight. Who knows?

BBQ Birthday

2007-06-12T10:30:00.000+08:00

Last weekend we had a BBQ do at home, for Danish's and Nani's birthday, as well as for the upcoming Father's Day. Talk about cheap. Cramming all the festivities into one.

Nothing like having kids to make you feel old. Just yesterday he was this miniature, thumb sucking, wailing, just-lying-there-doing-nothing sucking-on-your-tits person. Now he has established his own moods, and is not shy about expressing them at the top of his voice. He no longer sucks on his thumb, maybe coz he has teeth now. He doesn't fit fully on my lap anymore, though he still likes to crawl from across the room and curl into my lap.

Sigh.. is it time to have another one? Probably wait until the government declare the 3 months maternity before I start thinking of the next one.

full circle

2007-06-11T12:45:00.000+08:00

the firm will start operating next month...God, still a bit freaked about this...i keep thinking back to when I vowed never to return to legal practice and here i am, back at square one...i usually don't break promises i've made to myself.

whining again about being fat but not really doing much about it

2007-06-11T12:22:00.000+08:00

I'm getting fatter again.

This time last year I was breastfeeding full time and still adjusting to taking care of a baby, often not having the time or energy to eat. Now, as queen of multitasking, I'm fully able to feed/play/entertain/sing silly songs/doing silly dances/etc for my little girl all while stuffing my face-not just with my own food but from her leftovers or food which she's dropped on the floor that I can't be arsed to walk to the kitchen to throw away. I know it's disgusting but then I'm used to dealing with disgusting these days.

And to think I was almost getting thinner not too long ago until my stint in the hospital which cut short the whole calorie-burning-more-effective-than-any-exercise breastfeeding thing I had going on..sigh

My new so-called exercise plan is to walk to the park with my daughter every day which I've been doing so far except when it rains..but i don't really think it qualifies as exercise as I'm not so much walking as I am just strolling along, holding on to Amani's hand and watching with amusement at the joggers coming at me with their red sweaty faces. I know they'll have the last laugh but for the moment, I might as well enjoy making fun of them in my head.

Reality Check For The Ancient Mom

2007-06-07T10:36:00.000+08:00

Reality Check 1:

Danish is 1. Feels like just yesterday the doctor placed him in my arms, all gooey and screaming. Now he is 1. Sarah is 4. Adam will be 8 in December. I am bloody ancient.

Reality Check 2:

Met a colleague yesterday. Haven't met him for a couple of years. His statement "You look different. You used to be hot". Damn. Felt like he poured ice water all over me. Have I really let myself go?

Reality Check 3:

After that ice water incident with the not so subtle colleague, went home and looked in the mirror. Really looked in the mirror. Face sagging. Body bloated. Hair dry and oh-so-makcik. I need a facelift. I need Botox. I need a hair restyling. I need a liposuctuon. I need a total makeover. I am bloody ancient.

Damn.. really have to do something about this. Starting with making myself feel better with that big bar of chocolate..

Another slice of heaven

2007-04-12T12:40:00.000+08:00

The rain had just stopped. The air smelt fresh and clean as I carried her to the park and set her free. She ran to the nearest puddle and jumped and splashed about in joy. I made a new friend, a fellow mom of a toddler daughter who also brought along their two sweet obedient cats. In between playing on the seesaws together, the two little girls followed the cats around. Puddles and kitty cats and the freedom and space to run around and scream to their hearts' content. The moms looked at each other. No words necessary. Because no words could really describe how happy, how content, how wonderful it is to see your child so happy, so carefree, so young.

Just when I thought i was out..........

2007-04-09T16:08:00.000+08:00

.....they pulled me back in.....

I'm enjoying working on a half day basis but my contract is only until the end of May and it seemed that afterwards I would be a full time stay at home mum doing odd freelance jobs.

But now I've received an offer to return to legal practice and be my own boss. And the thought of being able to dictate my own terms, have flexible working hours and hopefully make some money is intoxicating....

But a part of me also feels like it would be selling my soul again.

Lego & waxing

2007-03-02T10:01:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to have an adult conversation with my friend over lunch but my one year old who's sitting beside us has begun to squirm and fuss and just as she's beginning to scream, we quickly pay up and leave, so that we can still show our faces again at the cafe. I've already banned myself from a restaurant near my parents' house where she happily threw her rice krispies up in the air like confetti and it fell around her in a nice big circle for the poor employee (who's given me the evil eye) to sweep up. Serve me right for trying to bribe her with cereal when only raisins or chocolate will do. But I digress. So my friend and I were walking around the mall trying to find a place where we could talk but where my daughter could also amuse herself. And we found it in the toy section in Isetan. Thank God for play tables. We sat on the tiny chairs with her as she happily played with Lego and soft toys and talked about the Brazilian. The pros, the cons, the perks, the itchiness, the woman who does it and her modus operandi, the cost - the bloody cost - RM180!!! Are we such sadomasochists that we are willing to actually voluntarily pay someone to inflict such pain?

This is our venue now. Our 'cool' place to hang out. No more hip and happening events. No more late nights gossiping leisurely over dinner. Our table for two is now the hip and happening pink Barney table in the middle of a department store. But it's all good. And all in all it was a nice afternoon, sitting there amidst the Barbies and Elmos, talking like we used to albeit with a little girl running around us who I hope is not absorbing our conversation into her subconscious mind and will not one day ask in a loud voice in public "Mommy, what's a brazilian wax?"

True love

2007-02-28T10:32:00.000+08:00

Is there anything more joyful than when your child toddles up to you, puts her arms around your neck and gives you a big wet kiss, just because? God, I'm so in love...

Air Supply and other pleasures

2007-02-23T17:11:00.000+08:00

I sometimes think what my life would be like if you hadn't moved into the 'hot chocolate' room near mine. If we hadn't ended up on the debate team (hahahahhaaa...God that was lame, "To speak out the truth and shame the devil, to deny my points you won't be able for your points are brittle like autumn leaves so let me sweep them away and let them fly in the breeze"...and we thought we were so cooool...hahahahahhaha). If we hadn't gone to north, south and france and exchanged stories about those 'trips' and letting bygones be bygones. If we hadn't travelled for 4 hours to see each other and bring with us hordes of chocolates that we could just have easily bought when we arrived instead of lugging it around the train/bus. If we hadn't watched pulp fiction and four weddings and a funeral and played gin rummy and ate until we passed out and bought haagen daz in our pyjamas every single day for that fantastic precious weeks after the final exams. If we hadn't ponteng'd all the CLP classes and drove around subang and shah alam instead. If we hadn't shared our love of eating and more eating.

Where would I be now?

I cannot imagine you not being a big part of my life.

Thank you so much. For always being there, though the happy and not happy, through the thin and the fat, through all the many many codeks.

Thank you for not being afraid to ask the very very difficult embarassing questions "Kat mana barang untuk..." just because I needed it.

Thank you for my wonderful birthday lunch!!

I've got a mouse and I'm not afraid to use it!

2007-02-23T16:54:00.000+08:00

I went for a meeting just now at one of the regulatory authorities and as usual, had to sign in at the Guard/reception desk - insert name, organisation, purpose of meeting etc. What caught me off guard was the next column in the registration book:- "Declaration of Weapons". Wow. I should bring my kitchen knife next time just so that I could write that in. What caught me doubly off guard was that not less than 10 people who had registered that morning had written down "laptop" in that column! That was just hilarious.

Runaway moms

2007-02-08T10:08:00.000+08:00

Most of my friends and I grew up in the 1980s and I don't know why (something in the water? lack of efficient electric kitchen gadgets/washing machines? no Astro/playhouse disney to distract the kiddies?) but all of us have memories of our mothers at one point or another getting so fed up and stressed out that they ended up stuffing their clothes and tying it up in a kain batik (for more dramatic effect? I'm sure we had enough luggage in the house) and threatening to run away - not just from their husband & the house but also from us, their children. And how we would plead and beg "please don't go, don't leave us, we want to go with you" etc.

My husband brought this up the other day as we were both sitting watching Amani play, about how sad he felt when his mother did this on one occasion, so very sad that she had the heart to actually leave him behind and he turned towards me and asked, would I ever even think of doing that to Amani.

I looked at him but before I could answer, full realisation dawned all over his face:

"You wouldn't run away - you would kick ME out!"

this my darling is a slice of heaven

2007-02-05T16:40:00.000+08:00

It was a hot Saturday afternoon and we were outside looking for cats. Suddenly, the familiar sound of a bicycle bell - the ice cream man! I stopped him and asked for a scoop of chocolate ice cream on a cone. Amani's eyes widened with curiosity -what was this? she seemed to say. I picked her up, she's getting heavier now and she leaned over to smush her lips gently against the chocolate ice cream. And found heaven.

And I said to her, welcome, my darling to my world, where chocolate is good and ice cream is good but chocolate icecream is just better than Elmo and Barney put together.

fear vs unknown pleasure

2007-01-25T11:52:00.000+08:00

I am having a lazy day (as if that's any different from every single blinking day here in the office). It's 5 minutes to 12pm..so by default, it's already lunchtime..I don't know why I'm even bothering to justify this to myself, the fact that actually I'm supposedly blogging during my almost-break time.

ANYWAY, what I'm thinking about right now is vibrators. If I can't be brutally honest here in blogworld, then where else right? So......why does no one, including my friends (except you of course lulu) talk about vibrators? I honestly have never owned or used one and I'm 31 years old. And I don't personally know or rather have not been informed by anyone who actually owns one. But I'm curious about it...though maybe not curious enough to try one. Call me chicken shit but I'm terrified of having electricity (albeit hardly 1.5 volts or whatever volts are contained in an AA batteries - I nearly failed my Physics in school but I'm blaming that on the fact that my teacher was having an affair with one of my classmates, she (the teacher) ended up marrying him (my classmate) ten years later) near my nether regions...I don't know why.....ok, yes I do..it's not the fear of being electrocuted. It's the fear of being electrocuted AND being found or having to go to the hospital with a vibrator stuck up my you-know-what then having to face the nurses and the doctors and having it in my charts "Patient has foreign electronic object lodged between...." you get the picture. But I read other honest women's blogs and I watch SATC so I know about THE rabbit etc and the pleasures, oh the many many pleasures it can give...but still..I can't get over my vibro-public humiliation-phobia...so sadly, such pleasures may never be mine.....

No short dicks

2007-01-25T08:40:00.000+08:00

I was on the way to work, half-asleep as usual when I suddenly saw something in the car ahead which furiously woke me up. Instead of the usual "Baby on Board" sign, the bastard had pinned up a "No Fat Chicks" sign. What the hell???? On behalf of all fat chicks around the world, I was insulted and furious at the idiot who manufactured the sign and the bigger idiot who bought it and hung it proudly at the back of his small Kancil. I felt like throwing a brick through the windscreen to smash his smug ass. Or maybe instead, I'll hang up a "No short dicks" sign on the back of MY car.

blog

2007-01-24T10:34:00.000+08:00

I love reading brutally honest mommy/daddy blogs. Here's one I discovered recently which I looove:
http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com

Done

2007-01-22T15:40:00.000+08:00

Last week I officially tendered in my resignation. The arrangement is that in addition to my one month notice period, I'll be staying on a half-day basis from March 2007 for either a 3 or 6 month period. The company's HR department was unwilling to allow the half-day basis to continue on a permanent basis, I think because they were afraid it would start a precedent. Am quite looking forward to working half-days, in the morning my daughter gets to have her playtime with her buddies and then afterwards, I get to spend time with her...what I'm worried...well not so much worried but thinking about is afterwards when I do quit work full time, how I'm going to find playmates for her....I love playing with her but I can't assume the feeling will always be mutual, I'm sure she'd like friends her own age and size....there's no one her age in our street though...hmmm...it shouldn't be this hard to look for friends for her.

She turned one last Friday....and threw her first public tantrum in Giant supermarket on Sunday. Yes, I was the mother pretending not to look at other people while trying to carry my child who was doing the boneless manouver i.e. arching her back and flailing her arms while screaming at the top of the voice. She has quite a loud voice for such a small body. And all because I wouldn't let her build towers with the raisin boxes in Aisle 9. I quickly took her out and bribed her with some Rice Krispies from my handbag. My handbag has become the diaper bag, the milk bottle bag, the toy bag, the scrunched up bits of tissue bag...I can no longer leave the house with an oh-so-dainty-and-trendy-cute little handbag.

Rough start to 2007

2007-01-12T13:45:00.000+08:00

Just recovered from pneumonia. I always assumed that living in a hot climate meant that I didn't have to worry about things like pneumonia. Who knew? It started out as a very bad flu which refused to go away then escalated to fever and non-stop coughing and throwing up. If it was my daughter I would have gone straight to the hospital probably at the first sniffle, since I'm paranoid like that. But since it was just me, I just let it get worse until I was so weak that I had to go to the hospital to get a drip because nothing would stay down. They did an x-ray and told me the bad news and I was hospitalised for about a week. Usually, this would be almost heavenly - a whole week without having to go to work, with people bringing me meals, a nice bed, tv, sleep...but instead it was torturous because my daughter couldn't see me at all, because I was contagious. My poor baby had to be totally weaned cold turkey and I missed her so much that all I could do was think about her every second of the day. My mother in law came to stay to help my husband with the baby then I got all paranoid that they were trying to marginalise me from my baby then I realised how very low self esteem I have and I also realised that spending too much time in an empty hospital room with bad tv was dangerous for my sanity - I started learning how to play sudoku for God's sake and I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into any game that made numbers supposedly fun! The doctor finally let me go home but I'm still on a lot of medication and I still get short of breath sometimes...quite scary actually.

So...a rough start to 2007.

God, I miss breastfeeding..the convenience of it all especially the night time feed...my baby would whimper, I'd just whip it out and go back to sleep and she'd nuzzle and fall back to sleep herself. Now, it's the groggy "it's your turn, no it's your turn" debate before the loser has to get up, sleepily make the bottle of formula, shake it, peer it up against the night light to make sure it's dissolved properly before giving it to the kid. Then having to make sure she doesn't choke or stick the bottle in her ear etc...yes..I miss breastfeeding...I admit I used it as a crutch - get a booboo? sleepy? whining/crying/whimpering/getting into a temper? -here have a boob...and all was well and solved...sigh...it was nice while it lasted.

Laughing Baby

2007-01-09T16:42:00.000+08:00


I just love this clip!

like a virgin

2006-12-20T07:47:00.000+08:00

615 days and counting....

sometimes i get so desperate and diy no longer really works as good as before, that my subconscious has to come and save me and send me a man in my dreams...woke up smiling...am still thinking about that imaginary guy...his face was blurry but he was wearing a long sleeved black shirt and seemed to be in his 20s....hmmm

lulu, want to meet up for brunch this sunday with len?

Just do it

2006-12-07T14:52:00.000+08:00

The decision to quit working is quite a scary one for me, the greatest fear being of course that we'll end up homeless and starving and my daughter hates me for not buying her the latest Barbie that all her other friends have. But in a way it's the first real adult decision I've made (yes, I know, I'm going to be 32 soon, being an adult is looooong overdue) because it's a decision which departs from the path i was supposed to take: early 20s: get a good degree, mid-20s: get a job, get married, get children, late 20-s: get promoted, get more pay, 30s-55: continue up the career ladder, etc, 56: begin real life. In a way, this is the first time I'm really taking charge of my own life instead of following an assumed pattern. It feels liberating. It may not feel so liberating when I run out of money but right now it's pretty freeing. I feel like i'm able to properly breathe again.

I've been wanting to quit for a long time but never had the guts to really do it. The turning point was of course when my daughter arrived but even then, it would be another 10 months before I finally mustered up the courage to really say, this is it. And now that I've actually crossed the line, I've realised that it's not as scary as I thought. Of course, it helps that I have some savings to pull me through for awhile, but it's not the end of the world that I've decided to kill this so-called career. I should have done it sooner.

I'm going to try this part-time job offer thing if it really materialises but I give it a few months only, I really don't see how it could work in practice what with meetings often being scheduled in the evenings etc. But since I've quit and let people know I'm going, there's been offers to do freelance work, things I can do from home, writing opportunities.

So again, I ask myself, why did I wait so long to do this? What was I so scared for? I guess what I'm trying to say in rambling on and on is that sometimes we just have to let go. And discover that falling down is not as bad as it seems.

why am i so weak

2006-11-29T15:33:00.000+08:00

omigod i am so bloody weak.

but before i go into that, i had such a lovely yummy lunch with my best friend just now...just heavenly...happiness, thy name is all-you-can-eat-sushi. thanks lulu for driving all the way here and not getting lost!

back to my coward ass. Told my boss this morning that i wanted to leave. it wasn't the work, it wasn't the pay - i'm quite happy with the pay, i have simple needs and it was more than enough to cover the house and for savings. i just wanted to spend time watching my daughter grow up. my boss asked me to stay at least until after bonus is paid out, which is a reasonable request even though my entire heart cried out, 'but i want to be with my baby nooooow'. but i managed to squeak out 'i'll think about it' which is the closest i can get to not caving in.

so i stuffed my face during lunch, i was so freaking happy, my intentions to leave were out in the open, i felt free, my belly was full, my head a bit heavy, but it was all gooooood....i settled down to go through my emails.

my boss calls me in. they are prepared to negotiate terms. i was all prepared to karate the offers of more payment. but instead what she offers is my achilles heel...they are offering me more time...aaargh.....my will is getting weak at the tempting thought of this offer to work part time...either only mornings 5 days a week or only coming in 3 times a week...i counter back - how could this really work in practice, what if meetings had to be scheduled in the afternoons or on my off days....boss counter counter argues, then if it's unworkable, you can always then leave, at least try it out....aaaarghhh..how can i argue against such a reasonable sounding proposal....i squeak out again 'i'll think about it' AAAAARRRRGGHHH!! i am such a chicken shit!!! i am snot! i am weak! why oh why am i so weak???

He Finally Left Me..

2006-11-23T13:18:00.000+08:00

It finally happened. I have received countless warnings that it was going to happen, but I chose to live in my lalaland and pretend that it would never happen to me. I chose to ignore those signs even when it was staring right at my face. Finally it happen. He died.

Even in the throes of his death, I was in complete denial. Even after countless fruitless attempts to resuscitate him, I still believed that it could not be happening to me. I never ever thought that it could happen to me.

After 2 days of failed attempts, from me and other so called specialist, I finally faced the truth. He actually died. He actually left me, alone and lonely. I did not shed any tear. I just sat in disbelief, numb and shocked. At a complete loss of words. How could he die??? No way.. he could never leave me.. Sure, I never treated him like other people treat theirs - I was rough, I was crude, I was demanding. But after so many years, I thought he has gotten used to me, and accepted that that was the way I showed him that I cared for him. But I guess he could not stand my abuse any longer. On a bleak Wednesday morning, he simply quit on me. I stroked his body, I pushed all his buttons. I cajoled him, I pleaded to him. There was just no response.

So after a week, I have finally accepted the truth. My PC died. My Compaq NX9000, who has been with me for almost 4 years, decided to go to PC heaven. All that is left is a black empty screen, mocking me with 4 simple words : "operating system not found". 40GB worth of data, vanished into the unknown world on sillicons. Where did all of you go?? Come on.. I still need you.. dont tell me all 40GB worth of you can simply vanish in a single click?

Countdown

2006-11-23T08:15:00.000+08:00

This is it.

The lawyers have written to me yesterday to inform that the refinancing bank is going to issue the cheque this Friday to settle the redemption sum of my current bank. This is what I've been waiting to be finalised before I can tender in my resignation. God, I'm scared. This is a huge step for me, a total change in 'career' path, from legal to professional housewife and mother. As part of the terms of employment of my new position, I will have to deal with a baby who has just discovered the power of screaming and whining, on a 24/7 basis and cook all meals everyday for her and then for me and my husband, do the laundry and keep the house clean. I know this sounds like nothing to a lot of women who've been doing it all this while but it is a big deal for me. We pretty much eat out all the time and I only prepare meals for my baby and as for housework, my husband and I like to play a little game called "wh0 can stand the longest living in this filth" and whoever cracks first gets to vacuum the house and wash the toilets. I was up late last night worrying about this. Then I look at my daughter sleeping next to me. My angel. My sweet lovable screaming machine. I know I will regret it if I don't do this, if I don't spend all these precious early years of her childhood with her, not just the few hours per day and the 2 days per week, but all the hours of all the days. God, give me the strength to do this. It's scary but in my heart, I know this is what's right for me.

So, waiting for the cheque to clear and the instructions from the new bank to start paying...once I get that, it's time to really do it. Walk the talk. Note to self: Don't go chicken on me now!!

katak bawah tempurung

2006-11-22T15:37:00.000+08:00

For some reason or other, as we drove to work today my husband and I got into a game of trying to see if we knew the capital cities of major countries. The sad thing, other than the fact that we were playing this game (can you spell L-O-S-E-R) was how very little information we remember from the stuff we learned at school. Note to self: Munich is NOT the capital of Germany, Geneva is NOT the capital of Switzerland (Bern?? Bern?? Who knew? Not me, obviously) and Frankfurt is NOT in Switzerland (I kept arguing it was because Heidi came down from the Alps into Frankfurt and we all know the Alps is in Switzerland - or is it really? I can't trust myself anymore and I can't be bothered to google)

Asshole=promotion?

2006-11-22T15:20:00.000+08:00

I wonder why some people are just complete assholes. I attended one meeting yesterday when this guy was presenting his paper to the rest of us and his boss who was sitting next to him kept interrupting, asking him to go faster and faster. I felt like saying to the boss, will you please just shut the fuck up and let him talk instead of cutting in every 30 seconds (I'm not exaggerating...and yes, I was staring at my watch the entire meeting). Ironically it was the interruptions to talk faster that was making the presentation longer than necessary. There are so many assholes out there that are in leadership positions that you just have to admire how they managed to get so far on so little brain and so little charm.

blogs

2006-11-17T11:11:00.000+08:00

My usual working morning starts with me dragging myself to my cubicle at 7.30 a.m., gag at the sight of yesterday's workload which is still unfinished and switching on the computer to start surfing. Sad as it sounds, surfing blogs is what helps me get over being depressed about being at work. After about an hour of it, I feel a bit more human again and less likely to burst into tears when facing the pile in my inbox. The blogs that I love reading are: www.dooce.com; http://sweetjuniper.blogspot.com; http://macvaysia.blogspot.com and today I've just discovered: http://metrodad.typepad.com/. I read and I laugh and I find the strength to make it through the day.

New definition of selfish

2006-11-16T11:21:00.000+08:00

Don't envy me just yet. When I start thinking about my decision rationally, I get a little (lying - a lot) freaked out about the fact that we're not going to have enough money, especially in the next couple of years when the savings start to dry out. It's ironic, isn't it. Last millenium, it was considered selfish to want to have your own career, spend time away from the family. Nowadays, it's considered selfish to want to stay home because you're depriving the household of the much-needed income.

I am scared. I'm scared I won't be able to give her what she needs, especially in terms of education and personal development. Also, later on when all the kids in her class have the latest "It" toy or gadget, I may not be able to buy it for her. All sorts of things are filling my head right now about how I'm going to spend the next few years, how I have to be proactive and more creative, make toys for her myself (hah!), teach her how to read, manage the house, cook, clean, pinch pennies. On the plus point, I get to spend time with her, teach her things myself instead of relying on the unreliable nursery. On the negative side, I won't be able to take her places like KLCC Aquaria because it's so bloody expensive. No holidays either. I'm scared what this lack of money will do to my relationship with my husband since all this while we've been comfortable with the double income we both bring in, able to eat in nice places once in awhile etc. Will we start fighting more when I quit work? Will he resent the fact that I'm not working?

I haven't tendered yet because I'm still waiting for some things to get finalised. I am such a coward really. I hate confrontation. I hate unpleasant things like telling someone I'm leaving when I know they're shorthanded. I hope I don't go all chicken shit and back out. Must keep image of time with daughter in my head to give me the strength and courage to go in there and break up with my boss.

I Envy You..

2006-11-14T13:41:00.000+08:00

I envy you.. Wish I had the courage to do what you are doing.. I know that everyday I whine about having to go to work, having to leave my kids, etc etc etc.. but the thought of not doing it scares me shitless. Guess I am just not so good at handling change. After 8 years of this bitching, I suppose I am so used to it. Too used to it that the thought of NOT doing it scares me. Sheeessshhh.. talk about not knowing what I want.. Maybe I am just one of those people who is just happy when they are depressed.. Hehehehe..

Anyway, right now I am writing this entry from San Francissco coffee at Menara TM. Had a meeting this morning here, and have another one this afternoon, and just could not find the strength to go back to the office. So here I am, one of those yuppies that sits in a coffee shop while surfing the net. All these people around me scares me. They are having power lunches, discussing projects millions of dollars about products and solutions that can move the world. (Don't people just have ordinary fun lunches anymore??).

I look like I am doing work, but here I am in my lalaland.. Hmmm.. this is not so bad. Okay, so what if I have spent almost 50 bucks at San Francissco today. What if I am almost drunk on this Chocolate Frappe .. I like it here in my own corner.. It sure beats the hell out of going back to the office and listening to my boss' rantings..

Crazy Is As Crazy Gets

2006-11-10T16:58:00.000+08:00

Been meaning to post this earlier, but as usual, life got in the way..

Anyway, I actually went to that MPSJ Run.. We were there at 6 o'clock in the morning!!! Just that is already an achievement for us!

In his Incredible outfit, Adam was a spirited runner. Even though we promised that we would run in a pack, as soon as the starting gun went off, Adam was off in front, with hubby in tow. Sarah, being the princess she is, had to stop to straighten her sweater, and to take out the crease from the number that they stuck in front and the back of her shirt, and to make sure that her shoes are okay, her hair is okay, etc etc etc.

So I ran with Sarah. It was just 3 km. They let us off last, with the 10 km, 7 km and 5 km being let off first. Hardly halfway through our run, the 10 km people have already overtaken me and Sarah. 1.5 km into the race, Sarah said she was too tired. So I had to carry her all the way back to MPSJ! Man.. that was a good work out.. one that I totally negate out when I had that roti telur as soon as the race was over.

All in all, we had great fun. A picture of us was even shown in The Star.. Adam is right in front in the Mr Incredible outfit. Sarah is the one in pink sweater, pink shoes, bare midriff, pony tail, and looking more like a ballerina than a runner.

Climax aka the weekend

2006-11-10T16:15:00.000+08:00

God, this has been a tough week in the office. Couldn't even think about trying to escape to lalaland. But finally, have had a moment to breathe and it couldn't have come at a better time, my favourite time of the week - Friday evening. Ah, Friday evening, with its promise of the whole weekend stretched before me.

But this week has sort of been a blessing in disguise. It's pushed me to the point where I realise it's just not worth it anymore, I don't give a damn and life's too short, all rolled into one and that has led me to this point of no return. I am about to do something incredibly stupid or incredibly brave. Life is too short to not be doing something you're really passionate about. And I am definitely not passionate about this job. I care so much more and feel more fulfilled when I'm doing my other job. My more important job as a mommy. It's such a cliche but then I'm a cliche. So fuck it, I'm tendering my resignation and living on my savings while praying to God my lala plans to make money by working at home materialises before all my savings dry up. Life's a gamble. It's about time I start playing for real.

What Do You Want To Know?

2006-11-01T16:16:00.000+08:00

I want to start a site that can attract lot of visitors, so that I can put advertisements on it, and sell things as an affiliate. For that, I need to:

Find a subject that is popularly searched, but have little competition.
Write on that subject.
Build the website.
Attract traffic to that website.
Generate income from that website.

So far, I am still stuck at No. 1. I just can't seem to find a subject interesting enough and at the same time I am reasonably knowledgeable at. Some subjects that I have pondered:

Malaysia - Tourism, Dining, Shopping etc
Malay recipes
English - Malay translation
Childcare
Internet fax / email fax
Internet business

But after scouring the net, I found many other sites on these subjects, some with so professional looking sites that has discouraged this amateur webmaster wannabe from proceeding.. Any ideas what website will attract traffic?

blabberings

2006-11-01T10:26:00.000+08:00

This morning I have to sift through about 15 company annual reports. Yaaaaaaawn. Degree of boringness compels me to escape to lalaland.

Right now I'm thinking about the movie "Raise the Red Lantern", which I saw on TV about 10 years ago. It's set in China and it's about an old rich man who has 4 or 5 wives, the latest being Gong Li and each wife gets her own little apartment linked off the main house. The movie shows the different personalities of the wives etc and how it's reflected in the decor of their personal rooms and also how they all had to eat their meals together. What I remember most about the film other than how gorgeous Gong Li looked, was the fact that when the master chose which wife he wanted to spend the night with, the servants would rush to her apartment and hang up red lanterns there and the next morning, she gets to have a foot massage and choose the menu for the day, which all the other wives had to eat and this would piss the rest of them off because for example, the third wife liked a lot of meat dishes and Gong Li liked vegetables.

Talk about your perks for bonking the old man.

I wonder about the number of mistresses in KL now. The modern mistress I mean, who perhaps has a career, is independent, yet has a 'benefactor' who pays for her posh apartment, fancy car, spa membership and platinum credit card. In return, she doesn't have to love him in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer but she probably has to perform tricks that he wouldn't ask from his wife & mother of his children.

If adultery wasn't a sin and morality was a relative concept, I wonder what decisions we would actually make.

2006-11-01T09:30:00.000+08:00

If I were PM, I would:

Remove all those zombies in the so called parliament and replace them with people who genuinely care about the country, rather than their own pockets.
Make it compulsory for all employers to provide child day care for their employees at the employers' premises.
Did u read about those elderly American couple that was accosted by the religous department in Langkawi? Sheeshhhh.. Those cops wannabe will definitely have their ass fried if I were PM.
And so would all those Klang councillors!
Make working hours start later and end earlier.. Dont think that the phenomenon of parents leaving the home before sunrise and coming home after sunset is too good for family development. Shahrizat - please help!
Instead of spending billions of ringgit to build a stupid winding / straight / winding / oops straight again bridge, I'd take that money and improve school infrastructure. Did you know that they still use chalk boards in school? So not good for those kids, esp ones with asthma conditions. Maybe make the classes air conditioned. Definitely make all school single session. With proper lockers to ease those heavy bags. And definitely improve the toilets in schools. And their canteens.
Hang / eloctrocute all child abusers / child rapists.
Cut water supply to Singapore.. Those stuck up arrogant bastards who think that they are better than the rest of us.. Instead, channel that water back to Malaysia, and stop increasing the tariffs.
Promote R&D for electric cars. Make electric cars cheaper than petrol ones.

That's all I can think about this bleagghhh Wednesday morning.. Will add on later.. Am sure that I will have more to bitch about...

Prime Minister of lalaland

2006-10-31T16:42:00.000+08:00

Just came back from a meeting during which I kept screaming in my head "who gives a damn" and fantasising about taking over the world and de-globalising it. Everyone would go back to planting their own food, spending the whole day with their family, cooking and baking from scratch...ah, the good old days. The simple life, that's what I want. Hmmmm, now that I'm on a roll and trying to avoid doing actual work, this is a list of things I would do if I were Prime Minister of Malaysia (all part of thinking small first, planning to do up the list of things I would do if I were queen of the world on another day when I want to avoid work). ANYWAY, here is my action task list as PM:

1. Really widen the rail transit network - I am so damn sick of bus drivers treating the buses like their own personal vehicles and showing up whenever - if ever - at the bus stops, especially when it's raining. I also have my own personal prejudice against bus drivers because a few years ago one of them crushed my new toscano handbag - the one I bought with my own blood and sweat and tears- with the stupid bus door, all because he was too busy staring at the cleavage of the girl in front of me. I am also damn sick of taxi drivers who never stop for me or refuse to take me where I want to go because of traffic jam - you're a freaking taxi driver, for God's sake! A car for hire! I'm paying you to drive me! And you go and act like it's some huge favour if you let me in your taxi. So that's my number one priority - get more trains, make them cheaper and get everyone to use them as the number 1 public transport. I don't see the point of widening the roads, which is what we seem to be fond of doing here, the number of cars will only continue to increase over the years, what's the point of wasting billions on the road, only to have it jammed up again in a couple of years when those same billions can be pumped into rail transit.

2. Outlaw motorcycles. There's too many of them swerving around, risking their own lives and my car for me not to outlaw them. The only kickback is, there goes my grassroot votes for the next election...ANYWAY, onto the next agenda:

3. Increase maternity leave to 6 months and gradually to 12 months, but only the first 3 months will be paid leave. After that, it's the woman's right to take the remaining months off but on an unpaid basis.

4. Make it fun to learn in schools again. More activities and projects and field trips, less exam-based memorising but not understanding type of learning. I look at schoolkids today and wonder where the joys of being a kid has gone to. Have you seen their bags? Have you heard about the amount of homework they get? And this is just kindergarten!

5. No more outriders for any minister or royalty. You are the country's leaders. You should get stuck in the traffic jam like the rest of us. The only downside is that if I'm PM, that means me too...sigh.

6. Review allowances given to royalty. Why is it we are giving them money when we're not paying more to policemen, firemen, army who risk their lives.

7. I'm running out of steam here....Lulu, any more you want to add?

Why I shouldn't have trusted Jimmy Smits

2006-10-31T12:47:00.000+08:00

I just read in the news today that researchers have discovered that elephants can recognise themselves in mirrors. I soooo made the wrong choice in my career path. Why did I think that a law degree was going to lead to a fulfilling life? I blame LA Law for this. Anyway, back to the elephant. How cool is that researcher's job? Getting to spend time outdoors with animals, bonding with nature (I'm such a hippy wannabe). This is why I should have spent more than 5 minutes on my degree application form instead of flirting with the boy next to me. Who knows where I could be right now instead of stuck in this windowless cubicle with a floating Windows as my screen saver. Could be worse, I guess. I could be the elephant forced to look at myself in the mirror all day.

Career ambition: housewife

2006-10-30T10:18:00.000+08:00

Ever since I was in school, I've been drilled on the fact that having a career was goooood, staying at home was baaaad. What a load of bullshit. With all due respect to the women out there who really want to have jobs and career advancement, it's just not for me. I'm stuck here in this so-called career path because we can't survive on one paycheck alone. If we could just even meet the mortgage, car installment and bills, I would be out of here. Who needs food right?
I feel more fulfilled and more useful when I'm at home, taking care of my baby, feeding her food I've cooked fresh instead of reheating frozen icecubes of food made over the weekend, talking with her, playing with her, reading to her. At the end of each day, I would feel tired, but a good kind of tired. The tired where you feel you've actually done something productive, instead of churning out paperwork that nobody really reads or gives a shit about or actually affect the universe in any meaningful or even meaningless way other than causing a tree to have died in vain. The only thing harder than being stuck in this office while someone else gets to see my daughter walk for the first time and share her smiles and laughter is the realisation that it's probably going to be like this for the next 20 years....unless by some miracle, my husband gets a high paying job or the costs of living & education reduces significantly. I don't know if I can last to the end of the year, much less 20 more years of this....I really got to do something about this. I can't go on whingeing and bitching for the next 2 decades that "I want to stay at home."

Monday...Nooooo!!!!!

2006-10-30T10:03:00.000+08:00

Monday morning...and the usual blaaahs that come with it.

Especially a Monday morning after a long break away from the office.

Especially a Monday morning after a long break away from the office, greeted with an email from the boss wanting something done asap.

Ah, fuck it. Actually, that's what I'd like for my birthday - a big rubber stamp with the words "fuck it" that I can stamp on all the files on my desk right before I send in my notice to resign with immediate effect.