Tengah malam blabberings

The kid had a fever since yesterday, which thankfully receded this afternoon. Now she's asleep, I've been trying to catch up on work so that tomorrow morning I won't be too far behind. Yup, sometimes I do act like a responsible grown-up. Though it's usually motivated by the fact that I'm going to be so screwed if I don't finish the work on time, really really screwed, not just i-think-my-client-might-be-pissed-at-me screwed but more i-might-be-sued screwed.

So tomorrow and possibly next Monday I will need to finish up & send out as much work as possible because next Tuesday I may or may not have a new baby.

Seeing it in print is starting to bring up all the freaking out feelings to the surface which I've been trying to surpress since the past few weeks. Need to focus on these last 2 working days and try to keep in mind that next Tuesday, it might not happen. I may not be going home with a baby. Or it might actually happen and there'll be a new addition to our family...I don't think I was this nervous when I was actually pregnant with my daughter. Funny how that is. Because this time, I'm not pregnant. I'm adopting, God-willing. I've met the mother of the child and she's told me she wants to give the baby up for adoption when she delivers next Tuesday and I did say to her to be very very sure before you do. The procedures are already in motion but she can still change her mind and I would fully understand. I'm trying to be very calm about this and I hope to remain so for as long as possible. I want to keep referring to her as the mother rather than saying "birth mother" though both are true, I don't know why but somehow saying birth mother sometimes feels to me to almost diminish her role as just the baby oven. I'm trying to be and I hope I can be as honest as possible with the situation. One of my good friends adopted and how she explains it to her young son is that he has her as his mommy and he also has his Ibu who carried him and they both love him very much which I think is a good starting point. I'm also planning, if she consents, to take a photo of her and placing it in the album for the baby's pictures so in future when he looks at his baby photos, i can point out his mother to him. I don't know if that's being honest or foolish or if i'll be strong enough in future to be as honest as i now plan to be. Of course, there is always the risk and fear, even now when the baby isn't even born yet and I've already begun to think of him, that she might want the baby back after she's given him to us. And I have to remember to stop and take a deep breath and leave it all up to God and repeat to myself that even children we give birth to might be taken away from us and not to focus on that possibility but to concentrate instead on being a better parent and loving them for whatever time is given to us with them. Whoa, that sounded way too adult for me. But I'm trying to remember to do that. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. Somehow, maybe it's because they're such an unexpected and self-sacrificing gift from another person, it seems easier to remember with an adopted child that they are being entrusted to you, given in trust into your care when the same also applies to children who are born to us. I need to remember that next time I feel like losing my temper with my daughter.