"Young at heart, slightly older in other places"

The above is a direct quote from the birthday card I got from my parents and boy, is it true. Caught myself in the mirror as I was dressing up this morning (usually in too much of a rush most mornings that I only have time to check that my face doesn't look too insane in the car rearview mirror before I drive out) and thought "Man, there's lots of things sagging now that didn't use to sag as much"...gravity has not been kind and this is a direct payback of enjoying lots of food and pretending exercise does not exist as a concept. 

But other than the physical side, this particular birthday, I do feel a sort of change inside me. I don't know if it's because I have been thinking quite a bit about death especially towards the end of last year, morbid thoughts that passed through my mind suddenly like how I'd like to be buried at the Kiara Burial Site I drive past every morning on the way to my son's nursery as there's lots of shady trees there and it looks so...dare I say it, welcoming in a way - it used to be full capacity but they've recently expanded it, even writing that now gives me the chills. And this leads me to worry about my children if I pass away. I know, God willing they'll be alright in terms of being taken care of, am sure my husband and parents will sort those practical things out. But what I also think about are not just their physical well being and education, but about who will think of doing silly things with them, sing silly made up songs in the car with them, take them out on adventures, get them to try new things like rock climbing or karaoke, throw them silly birthday parties, buy endless balloons for them that inevitably get left behind somewhere. Because at the moment, I'm the only one doing all that.

What I'm realising now as I turn 37 is that life is short. The best things in life are free (or doesn't have to cost much) - playing tag with my kids at the lobby of our apartment (which doesn't have a playground or proper playing area for the kids other than the pool), blowing bubbles together, eating ice cream outdoors where it doesn't matter if it drips, dancing badly in the living room, singing (again, badly) Adele or ABBA songs at the top of our voices in the car drive home, flying kites at the "wind-catching" area in Kepong, going through books at TTDI library - the same library (though now expanded and refurbished) I used to go to as a child growing up in TTDI, sitting with my feet in the stream at Kiara Park while I watch my kids play in the water, standing at our balcony and staring up at the night sky and the lights of Genting in the distant hills... having my kids have been the greatest blessing and gift in my life, they have made me stop and look at the simple beautiful things I take for granted - flower blossoms that have fallen on the ground, weirdly shaped clouds. the moon, the stars. Granted, they do drive me crazy most of the time too.

Anyway, this is one bit of me that will never change (do we really ever change anyway?) which is blabbering on and on...especially if it's in the middle of the night and I'm the only one awake at here...

My birthday wish list this year is much simpler than previous years. Today, I just want to skip work, watch a movie and eat ice cream cake. For the first time in my life, I can honestly truly say that I really don't need any birthday presents. Wow...finally, maturity (ye ke? Is this really a sign of maturity?) at 37 years of age....way overdue, I know.