emo ramblings

Emo meltdown this morning. Most of the time I try not to lose my temper and instead ignore the things (or people) that annoy or stress me out. At least I think I ignore it when what I actually do is just sweep all the stuff under the carpet until one moment (e.g. this morning) when I lose it over a seemingly trivial thing. The good news is I feel relief having had my little rant this morning. The very very bad news is I lost my temper with my kids when they are not the actual reason - okay, rather, not the main reason all this negative stress has been brewing inside me. Yes, I lost it because they were doing something I had told them a million times not to do, for their own good blah blah blah but I really should have handled it better. I apologised to them later for losing my temper but I really shouldn't have lost it in the first place. I thought about writing here what was really pissing me off since a few days back but goody-goody me of a few days ago lectured myself that tak baik cerita pasal benda2 ni kat blog, now look what happened, I take it out on my kids instead, the two people dearest to me. So that does not make me a good person at all. So baik I be a bit** here than be one with my kids, ya tak? So here goes, membuka pekong(pekung? whatever, I'm not the one taking BM for SPM anymore) di dada: a few days back I had a fight with my housemate, not the 2 small ones I had my meltdown in front of this morning, but the big one, the spouse one. Blergh...the fight also resulted from me having suppressed for days and weeks the many, many small things that irritated me, reasoning to myself that yes, I am annoyed with him for those things but he is also probably annoyed with me for other things as well, so I push down my annoyance and the irritating thing happens again and again (mainly the 2nd kid poops and even though spouse is in the living room watching TV and I am doing chores or dealing with my first kid, guess who gets called to clean the poop. Disclaimer: Spouse does clean poop from time to time, I am not going to deny that but it feels to me (and you only have my word for it) that I do most of the cleaning up poop duty, anyway that's the main thing that drives me crazy, you're there, you've smelt the poop, why do I still get called to clean the poop????? 2nd disclaimer: Yes, spouse does other things about the house e.g. repairs etc but I also do a lot too - again this is what I feel, I could be lying, for all you know I could be lying around eating bon-bons. ANYWAY:) and I push down my annoyance again, don't say anything, try to be a good person, be calm and patient and quiet and this cycle repeats over days and weeks until an evening a few days ago when the spouse innocently asked me if he should carry our 2nd kid (who had fallen asleep in the living room) into the bedroom. At the point when he asked me I had just sat down having done chores so was feeling tired and cranky. Because I had suppressed previously all the annoyances I felt re: poop duty, I immediately snapped at him (thinking he was asking me to pick up our kid to put in the bedroom when in fact he was offering to do it) saying I had just sat down and I was very tired. So I admit I was wrong to have snapped. But I think if he had calmly replied that I had misunderstood him and that in fact he was offering to do it, I honestly think I would have felt so bad about having misjudged his offer and immediately apologised for losing my temper. But what happened instead was he immediately exploded in anger (hm.....now thinking back, maybe I'm not the only one doing the suppressing thing, just realised that now....anyway) and was very angry that I had lost my temper and said the F* word to me and also called be bongok or was it bangang....I forget which...and I retorted (so much for trying to be the better person here) that I didn't realise he was the only one allowed to lose his temper in this house, no one else could lose it, whether reasonably or unreasonably, only he was allowed to get angry and as always, he fell back on the he is the husband argument and I as his wife am not respecting him, at which point I just got tired of the whole thing and went into the bedroom with my 2 kids. The next morning he apologised for his harsh words. But this time...I don't know, I'm just feeling very ughhhh, because this is not the first time he has called me bongok/bangang or words to that effect meaning I am slow or stupid, he's said it 2 or 3 times before when we argued so I am thinking he must really feel I am stupid. Ok, well I can give a million replies refuting that but I can't type that fast and plus I've got some contracts which I really should be drafting and typing out now so I'll save my energy for that. ANYWAY, I have just been ignoring him for the most part since that argument and name-calling but maybe I'm just kidding myself that I am and can ignore it because today in between replying to demanding clients' smses and getting the kids and myself ready for school/preschool and work respectively, I lost it in front of my kids. I feel really bad about that though a part of me is relieved that I got some of it off my chest. I think maybe I should lose it a lot more with other people who are not my kids so that I can be a better mum to them. One of my maths teacher in boarding school had been like that, such a b**** in the classroom but when she was with her kids, she was so gentle and loving...maybe I should adopt that strategy. Anyway, cest la vie, ssdd, otherwise life is good, good kids, good health, good friends, good food, a lot to be grateful for, Alhamdulillah...seems a bit hypocritical pulak eh...kutuk2 orang lepas tu ucap Alhamdulillah....Astaghfirullah, what can we do but try to be better every day and seek for forgiveness for our sins. Hope to do and be better next time.