New definition of selfish

Don't envy me just yet. When I start thinking about my decision rationally, I get a little (lying - a lot) freaked out about the fact that we're not going to have enough money, especially in the next couple of years when the savings start to dry out. It's ironic, isn't it. Last millenium, it was considered selfish to want to have your own career, spend time away from the family. Nowadays, it's considered selfish to want to stay home because you're depriving the household of the much-needed income.

I am scared. I'm scared I won't be able to give her what she needs, especially in terms of education and personal development. Also, later on when all the kids in her class have the latest "It" toy or gadget, I may not be able to buy it for her. All sorts of things are filling my head right now about how I'm going to spend the next few years, how I have to be proactive and more creative, make toys for her myself (hah!), teach her how to read, manage the house, cook, clean, pinch pennies. On the plus point, I get to spend time with her, teach her things myself instead of relying on the unreliable nursery. On the negative side, I won't be able to take her places like KLCC Aquaria because it's so bloody expensive. No holidays either. I'm scared what this lack of money will do to my relationship with my husband since all this while we've been comfortable with the double income we both bring in, able to eat in nice places once in awhile etc. Will we start fighting more when I quit work? Will he resent the fact that I'm not working?

I haven't tendered yet because I'm still waiting for some things to get finalised. I am such a coward really. I hate confrontation. I hate unpleasant things like telling someone I'm leaving when I know they're shorthanded. I hope I don't go all chicken shit and back out. Must keep image of time with daughter in my head to give me the strength and courage to go in there and break up with my boss.