Friday, February 29, 2008

sentimental emotional ramblings

I wonder if her body will remember my touch even if she doesn't. If somehow, it's recorded somewhere in the cells of her skin, when I stroke her head when she's asleep at night, when I hold her in my lap as she's engrossed watching tv, when I wash her body as she's busy splashing around and playing with bubbles. Apart from the whole hassle of trying to find a good, trustworthy maid who won't run away, it's one of the main reasons I'm hesitant about getting a maid - the temptation to let her deal with all the diaper changing, bathing, cleaning of messy sticky toddler hands would be too great. It sounds silly and stupid and irrational, but as much as possible I want my touch to be imprinted on my daughter's skin. As if somehow, this would mean my love would get absorbed into her skin as well in this way and she would always know, whether she remembers it or not or whatever happens to me or to us in the future, how much I love her.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

birthday

On 24th February, I turned 33. In the morning, the three of us drove out of Cheras with no real plans except to find a place to buy and fly a kite. We were heading to the general vicinity of Gombak/Kepong where there is this vast park designated for kite flying. Then we passed by a sign to Bukit Tinggi and on the spur of the moment, I decided that's where I wanted to go that morning. So off we went. Colmar Tropicale itself takde mende sangat lah for me but there was a clown giving away free balloons so Amani was sorted. Then she made her usual request for "Nak pergi taman, Mummy." The girl is obsessed with taman, any playground or park or field will do. So we drove all the way up to Bukit Tinggi to play at the small playground they had at the back. Afterwards we went to the Japanese garden area where Amani dressed up and posed in a kimono, complete with wooden sandles. So darn cute..hehehe...eh, birthday sape ni?? Hehe..it made me feel very happy seeing her so happy, especially when we were at the rabbit park after that, where she fed and petted almost all the rabbits, even the ones who were trying to take a nap, only to be faced with an insistent toddler with food in her hands for them. I am so tempted to get rabbits and turtles and fish as pets for her, she's really thrilled with them but I just can't be bloody arsed to clean up after all these animals. I don't mind cats, they pretty much clean up after themselves mostly. But I can't bring myself to get a cat, not after Munchy...not yet. Okay, enough off tangent rambling. On the way down Bukit Tinggi we stopped by a stable so that my city girl can see horses live and up close rather than just on Animal Planet. That was nice. I like horses. They're just so honest. They smell like the earth and they work hard. They're not just pretty for the sake of being pretty. Okay, moving on, I'm getting even more rambling as I get older. Petang tu baru we went to the field for kite flying and my God, ramai nya manusia. Nak masuk pun sikit punye susah. Who knew kite flying was so popular. So at 5.30pm on my 33rd birthday, I Noraishah Ismail aka Lala in this blog flew a kite for the very first time in my life. And 5 minutes later, the string broke off and the kite escaped and flew into a tree. The end. Hehehe..ok lah, not the end. While my husband gigih berusaha to bring down the kite - I told him to leave it, tak lah mahal sangat, but while I am getting more rambling as I get older, he is getting more stubborn, I went back to the budak yang duk jual the kites next to the car park and got another cheap kite and Amani and I flew it together until it was nearly dusk...and thus ended my birthday. Very blissful.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

old lady

Yesterday after work, i took Amani to the playground where a charming 6 year old girl named Puteri befriended us. She played very sweetly with Amani and chatted with me about her new baby brother.

Then she asked "How old is she?" pointing to Amani. "Two," I said, "how old are you?" "Six," she answered proudly, "and the baby is 7 months old". "What a big girl you are!" I said, sensing that that was the reply she wanted to hear. She grinned and twirled around a bit and then asked me the killer question, "How old are you?"

"Thirty three," I told her.

Her eyes and mouth widened like she could not imagine the enormity of such a number. And in an innocent voice full of awe and no malice, she whispered loudly like she was breaking some grave news to me, telling me something I may not be aware of - "You're OLD."

Yes, dear, I am. And somehow, I don't feel bad about it this year. In less than 2 weeks time I'll be turning 33. A lot of good things are happening now that I'm rising higher up in the 30s. I no longer care what people say or think about me. I feel no shame whatsoever when I sing badly at karaoke,. I no longer fear telling someone I have no idea what they're talking about at the risk of appearing to be an idiot. I realise what's really important in life - finding peace and contentment. Syukur Alhamdulillah, I am at peace. I love and am loved by my family. I have good friends. I may not be a millionaire but I can eat well. I have a comfortable home and bed. I had a good holiday recently in Pangkor where I swam in the beautiful blue sea with fishes and watched my daughter play with the waves for the first time. I feel really grateful and really blessed.

For my 33rd birthday, I plan to fly a kite - I've never properly flown one before. Maybe have a picnic. Later, blow up the kiddie pool and splash around with Amani in the front yard. A slice of Baskin Robbins ice cream cake. A box of assorted chocolates. A nice steak dinner with creamy buttery mashed potatoes. Bliss.