why am i so weak

omigod i am so bloody weak.

but before i go into that, i had such a lovely yummy lunch with my best friend just now...just heavenly...happiness, thy name is all-you-can-eat-sushi. thanks lulu for driving all the way here and not getting lost!

back to my coward ass. Told my boss this morning that i wanted to leave. it wasn't the work, it wasn't the pay - i'm quite happy with the pay, i have simple needs and it was more than enough to cover the house and for savings. i just wanted to spend time watching my daughter grow up. my boss asked me to stay at least until after bonus is paid out, which is a reasonable request even though my entire heart cried out, 'but i want to be with my baby nooooow'. but i managed to squeak out 'i'll think about it' which is the closest i can get to not caving in.

so i stuffed my face during lunch, i was so freaking happy, my intentions to leave were out in the open, i felt free, my belly was full, my head a bit heavy, but it was all gooooood....i settled down to go through my emails.

my boss calls me in. they are prepared to negotiate terms. i was all prepared to karate the offers of more payment. but instead what she offers is my achilles heel...they are offering me more time...aaargh.....my will is getting weak at the tempting thought of this offer to work part time...either only mornings 5 days a week or only coming in 3 times a week...i counter back - how could this really work in practice, what if meetings had to be scheduled in the afternoons or on my off days....boss counter counter argues, then if it's unworkable, you can always then leave, at least try it out....aaaarghhh..how can i argue against such a reasonable sounding proposal....i squeak out again 'i'll think about it' AAAAARRRRGGHHH!! i am such a chicken shit!!! i am snot! i am weak! why oh why am i so weak???

He Finally Left Me..

It finally happened. I have received countless warnings that it was going to happen, but I chose to live in my lalaland and pretend that it would never happen to me. I chose to ignore those signs even when it was staring right at my face. Finally it happen. He died.

Even in the throes of his death, I was in complete denial. Even after countless fruitless attempts to resuscitate him, I still believed that it could not be happening to me. I never ever thought that it could happen to me.

After 2 days of failed attempts, from me and other so called specialist, I finally faced the truth. He actually died. He actually left me, alone and lonely. I did not shed any tear. I just sat in disbelief, numb and shocked. At a complete loss of words. How could he die??? No way.. he could never leave me.. Sure, I never treated him like other people treat theirs - I was rough, I was crude, I was demanding. But after so many years, I thought he has gotten used to me, and accepted that that was the way I showed him that I cared for him. But I guess he could not stand my abuse any longer. On a bleak Wednesday morning, he simply quit on me. I stroked his body, I pushed all his buttons. I cajoled him, I pleaded to him. There was just no response.

So after a week, I have finally accepted the truth. My PC died. My Compaq NX9000, who has been with me for almost 4 years, decided to go to PC heaven. All that is left is a black empty screen, mocking me with 4 simple words : "operating system not found". 40GB worth of data, vanished into the unknown world on sillicons. Where did all of you go?? Come on.. I still need you.. dont tell me all 40GB worth of you can simply vanish in a single click?

Countdown

This is it.

The lawyers have written to me yesterday to inform that the refinancing bank is going to issue the cheque this Friday to settle the redemption sum of my current bank. This is what I've been waiting to be finalised before I can tender in my resignation. God, I'm scared. This is a huge step for me, a total change in 'career' path, from legal to professional housewife and mother. As part of the terms of employment of my new position, I will have to deal with a baby who has just discovered the power of screaming and whining, on a 24/7 basis and cook all meals everyday for her and then for me and my husband, do the laundry and keep the house clean. I know this sounds like nothing to a lot of women who've been doing it all this while but it is a big deal for me. We pretty much eat out all the time and I only prepare meals for my baby and as for housework, my husband and I like to play a little game called "wh0 can stand the longest living in this filth" and whoever cracks first gets to vacuum the house and wash the toilets. I was up late last night worrying about this. Then I look at my daughter sleeping next to me. My angel. My sweet lovable screaming machine. I know I will regret it if I don't do this, if I don't spend all these precious early years of her childhood with her, not just the few hours per day and the 2 days per week, but all the hours of all the days. God, give me the strength to do this. It's scary but in my heart, I know this is what's right for me.

So, waiting for the cheque to clear and the instructions from the new bank to start paying...once I get that, it's time to really do it. Walk the talk. Note to self: Don't go chicken on me now!!

katak bawah tempurung

For some reason or other, as we drove to work today my husband and I got into a game of trying to see if we knew the capital cities of major countries. The sad thing, other than the fact that we were playing this game (can you spell L-O-S-E-R) was how very little information we remember from the stuff we learned at school. Note to self: Munich is NOT the capital of Germany, Geneva is NOT the capital of Switzerland (Bern?? Bern?? Who knew? Not me, obviously) and Frankfurt is NOT in Switzerland (I kept arguing it was because Heidi came down from the Alps into Frankfurt and we all know the Alps is in Switzerland - or is it really? I can't trust myself anymore and I can't be bothered to google)

Asshole=promotion?

I wonder why some people are just complete assholes. I attended one meeting yesterday when this guy was presenting his paper to the rest of us and his boss who was sitting next to him kept interrupting, asking him to go faster and faster. I felt like saying to the boss, will you please just shut the fuck up and let him talk instead of cutting in every 30 seconds (I'm not exaggerating...and yes, I was staring at my watch the entire meeting). Ironically it was the interruptions to talk faster that was making the presentation longer than necessary. There are so many assholes out there that are in leadership positions that you just have to admire how they managed to get so far on so little brain and so little charm.

blogs

My usual working morning starts with me dragging myself to my cubicle at 7.30 a.m., gag at the sight of yesterday's workload which is still unfinished and switching on the computer to start surfing. Sad as it sounds, surfing blogs is what helps me get over being depressed about being at work. After about an hour of it, I feel a bit more human again and less likely to burst into tears when facing the pile in my inbox. The blogs that I love reading are: www.dooce.com; http://sweetjuniper.blogspot.com; http://macvaysia.blogspot.com and today I've just discovered: http://metrodad.typepad.com/. I read and I laugh and I find the strength to make it through the day.

New definition of selfish

Don't envy me just yet. When I start thinking about my decision rationally, I get a little (lying - a lot) freaked out about the fact that we're not going to have enough money, especially in the next couple of years when the savings start to dry out. It's ironic, isn't it. Last millenium, it was considered selfish to want to have your own career, spend time away from the family. Nowadays, it's considered selfish to want to stay home because you're depriving the household of the much-needed income.

I am scared. I'm scared I won't be able to give her what she needs, especially in terms of education and personal development. Also, later on when all the kids in her class have the latest "It" toy or gadget, I may not be able to buy it for her. All sorts of things are filling my head right now about how I'm going to spend the next few years, how I have to be proactive and more creative, make toys for her myself (hah!), teach her how to read, manage the house, cook, clean, pinch pennies. On the plus point, I get to spend time with her, teach her things myself instead of relying on the unreliable nursery. On the negative side, I won't be able to take her places like KLCC Aquaria because it's so bloody expensive. No holidays either. I'm scared what this lack of money will do to my relationship with my husband since all this while we've been comfortable with the double income we both bring in, able to eat in nice places once in awhile etc. Will we start fighting more when I quit work? Will he resent the fact that I'm not working?

I haven't tendered yet because I'm still waiting for some things to get finalised. I am such a coward really. I hate confrontation. I hate unpleasant things like telling someone I'm leaving when I know they're shorthanded. I hope I don't go all chicken shit and back out. Must keep image of time with daughter in my head to give me the strength and courage to go in there and break up with my boss.

I Envy You..

I envy you.. Wish I had the courage to do what you are doing.. I know that everyday I whine about having to go to work, having to leave my kids, etc etc etc.. but the thought of not doing it scares me shitless. Guess I am just not so good at handling change. After 8 years of this bitching, I suppose I am so used to it. Too used to it that the thought of NOT doing it scares me. Sheeessshhh.. talk about not knowing what I want.. Maybe I am just one of those people who is just happy when they are depressed.. Hehehehe..

Anyway, right now I am writing this entry from San Francissco coffee at Menara TM. Had a meeting this morning here, and have another one this afternoon, and just could not find the strength to go back to the office. So here I am, one of those yuppies that sits in a coffee shop while surfing the net. All these people around me scares me. They are having power lunches, discussing projects millions of dollars about products and solutions that can move the world. (Don't people just have ordinary fun lunches anymore??).

I look like I am doing work, but here I am in my lalaland.. Hmmm.. this is not so bad. Okay, so what if I have spent almost 50 bucks at San Francissco today. What if I am almost drunk on this Chocolate Frappe .. I like it here in my own corner.. It sure beats the hell out of going back to the office and listening to my boss' rantings..

Crazy Is As Crazy Gets

Been meaning to post this earlier, but as usual, life got in the way..

Anyway, I actually went to that MPSJ Run.. We were there at 6 o'clock in the morning!!! Just that is already an achievement for us!

In his Incredible outfit, Adam was a spirited runner. Even though we promised that we would run in a pack, as soon as the starting gun went off, Adam was off in front, with hubby in tow. Sarah, being the princess she is, had to stop to straighten her sweater, and to take out the crease from the number that they stuck in front and the back of her shirt, and to make sure that her shoes are okay, her hair is okay, etc etc etc.

So I ran with Sarah. It was just 3 km. They let us off last, with the 10 km, 7 km and 5 km being let off first. Hardly halfway through our run, the 10 km people have already overtaken me and Sarah. 1.5 km into the race, Sarah said she was too tired. So I had to carry her all the way back to MPSJ! Man.. that was a good work out.. one that I totally negate out when I had that roti telur as soon as the race was over.

All in all, we had great fun. A picture of us was even shown in The Star.. Adam is right in front in the Mr Incredible outfit. Sarah is the one in pink sweater, pink shoes, bare midriff, pony tail, and looking more like a ballerina than a runner.

Climax aka the weekend

God, this has been a tough week in the office. Couldn't even think about trying to escape to lalaland. But finally, have had a moment to breathe and it couldn't have come at a better time, my favourite time of the week - Friday evening. Ah, Friday evening, with its promise of the whole weekend stretched before me.

But this week has sort of been a blessing in disguise. It's pushed me to the point where I realise it's just not worth it anymore, I don't give a damn and life's too short, all rolled into one and that has led me to this point of no return. I am about to do something incredibly stupid or incredibly brave. Life is too short to not be doing something you're really passionate about. And I am definitely not passionate about this job. I care so much more and feel more fulfilled when I'm doing my other job. My more important job as a mommy. It's such a cliche but then I'm a cliche. So fuck it, I'm tendering my resignation and living on my savings while praying to God my lala plans to make money by working at home materialises before all my savings dry up. Life's a gamble. It's about time I start playing for real.

What Do You Want To Know?

I want to start a site that can attract lot of visitors, so that I can put advertisements on it, and sell things as an affiliate. For that, I need to:

1. Find a subject that is popularly searched, but have little competition.
2. Write on that subject.
3. Build the website.
4. Attract traffic to that website.
5. Generate income from that website.

So far, I am still stuck at No. 1. I just can't seem to find a subject interesting enough and at the same time I am reasonably knowledgeable at. Some subjects that I have pondered:

1. Malaysia - Tourism, Dining, Shopping etc
2. Malay recipes
3. English - Malay translation
4. Childcare
5. Internet fax / email fax
6. Internet business

But after scouring the net, I found many other sites on these subjects, some with so professional looking sites that has discouraged this amateur webmaster wannabe from proceeding.. Any ideas what website will attract traffic?

blabberings

This morning I have to sift through about 15 company annual reports. Yaaaaaaawn. Degree of boringness compels me to escape to lalaland.

Right now I'm thinking about the movie "Raise the Red Lantern", which I saw on TV about 10 years ago. It's set in China and it's about an old rich man who has 4 or 5 wives, the latest being Gong Li and each wife gets her own little apartment linked off the main house. The movie shows the different personalities of the wives etc and how it's reflected in the decor of their personal rooms and also how they all had to eat their meals together. What I remember most about the film other than how gorgeous Gong Li looked, was the fact that when the master chose which wife he wanted to spend the night with, the servants would rush to her apartment and hang up red lanterns there and the next morning, she gets to have a foot massage and choose the menu for the day, which all the other wives had to eat and this would piss the rest of them off because for example, the third wife liked a lot of meat dishes and Gong Li liked vegetables.

Talk about your perks for bonking the old man.

I wonder about the number of mistresses in KL now. The modern mistress I mean, who perhaps has a career, is independent, yet has a 'benefactor' who pays for her posh apartment, fancy car, spa membership and platinum credit card. In return, she doesn't have to love him in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer but she probably has to perform tricks that he wouldn't ask from his wife & mother of his children.

If adultery wasn't a sin and morality was a relative concept, I wonder what decisions we would actually make.

If I were PM, I would:

1. Remove all those zombies in the so called parliament and replace them with people who genuinely care about the country, rather than their own pockets.
2. Make it compulsory for all employers to provide child day care for their employees at the employers' premises.
3. Did u read about those elderly American couple that was accosted by the religous department in Langkawi? Sheeshhhh.. Those cops wannabe will definitely have their ass fried if I were PM.
4. And so would all those Klang councillors!
5. Make working hours start later and end earlier.. Dont think that the phenomenon of parents leaving the home before sunrise and coming home after sunset is too good for family development. Shahrizat - please help!
6. Instead of spending billions of ringgit to build a stupid winding / straight / winding / oops straight again bridge, I'd take that money and improve school infrastructure. Did you know that they still use chalk boards in school? So not good for those kids, esp ones with asthma conditions. Maybe make the classes air conditioned. Definitely make all school single session. With proper lockers to ease those heavy bags. And definitely improve the toilets in schools. And their canteens.
7. Hang / eloctrocute all child abusers / child rapists.
8. Cut water supply to Singapore.. Those stuck up arrogant bastards who think that they are better than the rest of us.. Instead, channel that water back to Malaysia, and stop increasing the tariffs.
9. Promote R&D for electric cars. Make electric cars cheaper than petrol ones.

That's all I can think about this bleagghhh Wednesday morning.. Will add on later.. Am sure that I will have more to bitch about...